The Real Motherfucking Deal…. (and losing 12 pounds!)

Hey Blog Readers!

I have lost 12 pounds on my depressed/poor woman/drunk diet. Here is how my diet works: I don’t have any money therefore I can eat one meal a day and because I am sooo depressed about my ex and losing my friends now that I can’t even eat that one meal therefore I just end up going out with my new friends and getting drunk and then I am too hung over to eat anything after my night out but a slice of pizza… AND THEN I start this whole cycle all over again the next day! And with this diet…. I have lost 12 pounds!!! YES! 12 pounds! And personally… I am looking better than ever! Haters beware!

And…. I have a new outlook on life.

” Either Go Big or Go Home”

I refuse to commit now. I refuse to commit unless its the real deal and/or we have a business contract! Because all relationships end… But, next time I want to get something out of it. So, I will stay single and mingle and just do me! I enjoy dating and flirting around… But, I am not getting into a relationship unless this bitch is going to be my wife.

The next girl I seriously date must promise me two things: BABIES and/or MONEY! Because when we get divorced (which we will seeing my track record with women and the 69% divorce rate today) I want to get something out of it for real.  Honestly, I don’t even like kids but I just want some bastards to take care of me when I am old and lonely!  I need to have some insurance this time that once it ends I will be covered for sure! I am not being hung out to dry like a little bitch next time!

So, you ask… What would be my ideal mate. Who would have my babies and give me money?!?! Well, I will tell you now….

1. She has to be tall and/or my height, 5’4” and above.

2. She has to be thin and/or have a nice body (SOME curves are ok). She needs to be HOT! HOT! HOT! Like take my breath away HOT! Abigail Spencer HOT! (if you dont know who she is… read my blog more)

3. She needs to be in production and  the film/tv industry (editor, screenwriter, producer.director, filmmaker, web producer, actress, dancer, model, etc)

4. She needs to be compassionate, smart, and educated. She can read books!

5. She needs to LOVE pop culture and a techie geek.

6. She needs to be nice. (you dont know how hard this is to find!)

7. She needs to know how to cook.

8. She needs to be a little more submissive than me. I am a pretty DOM person therefore dating another DOM will not work! It would be a constant power struggle and so not cool.

9. She needs to love the arts (music, dance, theater). She needs to like the same music as me Top 40, R&B, Pop, Neo-Soul, Folk, Singer Songwriter, Alternative, Dance, Country, and some Rock.

10. She has to enjoy going out, checking out the hottest bars and restaurants, and hitting up the clubs. She has to know hidden gems all over the world and always up on what new club/bar/restaurant is opening now.

11. She must HATE camping and anything outdoors. The only time she would even think to wear sneakers is to go to the gym! We don’t do outdoors!

12. She is into fashion and likes to look good when she goes out. Never leaves the house without being fully dressed and with makeup. Think Carrie from Sex And The City. I never leave the house without makeup… My bitch should do the same.

13. She is extremely feminine aka looks like a straight girl. But, she is not a fag hag.

14. She needs to enjoy sex, like sex, and tells me what she wants. This bitch needs to let me do me in terms of sex. If I want a little side piece for one night while we are together… She is cool with it. BUT, she would never fuck around on me. I want that like 50s style of lovin.’  (Yeah, I said it!)

15. She needs to be able to stand up to me. Fight back. No passive aggressive shit. Be Real. I need a woman just to give a fuck.

16. Has “balls”… Would tell me if she cheated on me  (my ex probably fucked dudes in france… I bet she is back with her ex French boyfriend now), willing to go to therapy,  willing to give us a real shot, and not just give up on us and toss our love aside for some dick.

17. She needs to be into me and not confused with her sexuality.

18. She needs to really love me and be honest.

19. She has to have babies and give me money. My bitch needs to have cash. No broke hoes apply here. You can’t have two broke bitches in a relationship! What are you going to do together?!?! Stand around every night and just stare at each other?!?!!? Being poor = a poor relationship. You can’t afford to do anything together therefore your relationship is pointless.  It’s not fun to be broke. It’s not fun to be poor. I would like to travel, try fancy restaurants, go on vacations to exotic locations. I don’t have any money right now… I am working on getting cash soon. But, I can’t date a poor bitch. I need help myself now. Can’t always be paying for some bitch. And when I do get money…. I also again don’t want to be always paying for some bitch! My Real Deal Hoe needs to pay for me! Yes, I am gold digger… And So What?!

20. She needs to not waste my time!!!

21. AND SHE NEEDS TO BE ABLE TO FUCK ME RIGHT!! That’s right! I don’t want some passive bitch in the bedroom! I want a hardcore.. I know hot to fuck the shit out of you bitch! She will let me fuck her too but my Real Deal will love to fuck me more!

How am I going to find this chick?? I don’t know. But, I know I will not be wasting my time right now on bullshit. I am too old. Too old for shady, triflin’ ass cunts! I want the real. The Real Deal. A bitch that is going to rock my shit. And give me that WOW factor. Again, I will causally date now in order to have sex.

But, I am NOT……

1. Moving in with a bitch

2. Spending money on a bitch

3. Investing time on a bitch

4. Investing energy on a bitch

5. Falling for a bitch

6. Giving up new pussy for a bitch

7. Giving up ANY pussy for a bitch

8. Taking the time to even care about a bitch

9. Waiting on a bitch

10. Even really listening to a bitch

………UNLESS she is the motherfucking REAL DEAL!

I believe that I  wasted 3 years on someone that never loved me, never really cared about me, her actions now  show I was just a motherfucking joke to her!  I will admit I was wrong in some ways… But, I didn’t deserve to be tossed aside, abandoned by everyone I loved, and jobless for months. That’s just cruel and unusual punishment! And I am sure she is just laughing at my misfortune now. Well, I’ll get to laugh soon… It’s not always about the sprint. It’s about winning the marathon, baby.

So, Where am I at now? Slowing putting the pieces together again! I am trying to move on with my life. Do I still love my ex? Sure. Am I over her? No. I am a bitter bitch. (Yes! I admit it!) Is she over me? Hell Yes. But, its cool. Will I ever be over her? No. But, I am not in a rush to move on. I’ll move on when I move on but I’ll always still love the one that broke my heart. And I’ll respect the fact my feelings are still there and I’ll let them run it’s course.  But, She never loved me therefore it’s easier for her to move on now.

I guess you could say… I am becoming happy now. I am in a better place. I think getting a job, losing weight, AND finding new friends has given me some hope again! I feel attractive. I feel like my old self again! The player is slowly coming back!

I have some cool new friends around me now and I think they understand my new outlook on life. I just can’t settle anymore.

No More Triflin’ Ass BITCHES!!!

No More Fake Cunts!

No More BASIC BITCHES.

Just The Real Motherfucking Deal.

p.s. I didn’t say that I will never date and I won’t have fun! I will date to have sex. I can’t live without sex. But, I am not getting into a relationship unless (say it with me)… She is the “real motherfucking deal!!!”