31. I want to win an NAACP Image Award for my shows.

32. I want to win a GLAAD award for my shows and the work I will do in the LGBT Community.

33. I wan to start a scholarship for LGBT youth that want to get into the arts (television, film, etc). I just want to help struggling artists like myself now.

34. I want to be on panel discussions and run workshops about the film industry and “making it” today!

35. I want to die happy. I want to die knowing that I completed my Bucket List.

36. I want to live to 100 years old and have this HUGE party for myself! Like the party of the century!! And if I have kids… I want to make their old butts wheel my crazy even older ass around to  say “hi’ to all my old friends! I want to get drunk on my 100th birthday! LOL! I want to keep the party alive for a century for real!

37. I want to be a positive successful image of black lesbians in the media. I want to be out and dating hot women in the media! And show other black lesbians coming up that you can be cute, feminine, and be out in the entertainment industry!

38. I want to be remembered and missed. (yeah, this is something I personally can not actually physically do… but that’s something I want!)

39. I want to be known for touching lives with my shows and films… I want to make people happy and escape from their problems for just an hour or two.

40. I want to have my six pack abs again in my life!!! YEAP!

41. I want to create positive images of  the Black LGBT community in the media.

42. I want to write and produce a film about my grandmother’s life story (it’s a good one! Oscar all over it!)

43. I want to be the next “me”… I don’t want to be like anyone else. I want to be succesful in my own right!

44. I want to have my own production company that produces my own projects and takes on other interesting projects (depending on the scripts)! I want to have the power to select what we will produce and pass on now.

45. I want my own motherfucking BIG office and to make my own money and hours.

46. I want to pitch my ideas to investors and partner with major production companies and studios and have them invest in my ideas. I want to actively make my ideas come to life on screen.

47. I want to be a major “player” in the production industry. I want to be “known” in the industry. I want folks to be like “Go to Jessica… She always has great ideas that are successful!” I want to have the golden touch. I feel I have “the golden touch now” because I can feel what is going to be hot or not… But, I don’t have anyone to listen to me yet!

48. I want to get revenge on all my Haters that didn’t think I would be anything, that didn’t support me, that hated on me for years….. I want to show them that I am something in this life. I want to show them that I made it! I want Ms Illegal to regret the day that she ever left me.

49. I want people to listen to me. I want to be able to get any woman I want without question. I want to have power, success, women, and prestige. I want to be able to have a “voice.” I do not have a “voice” now.

And finally #50…. I want to be successful at my job. I want to do what I love for the rest of my life and make a difference through my work. I want to be make  big money in production and I just want to be happy with my job, my success, and feel complete in my life!

I am behind in the whole “Bucket List” Phenomenon because I think it’s stupid. People should just live for today and not wish for things that probably won’t happen. (I am a true pessimist!) After hearing about Heavy D passing away, he was a man that truly loved life and lived each day to fullest…. I decided it was time to start figuring out what I want out of life again because life is short. Heavy D was a truly good person. I didn’t know him. Never met him. But, you can just tell from his actions and how people speak about him… He had a big heart.

I hate fake people. I hate those fake positive people that say they “love life” and say that they “actually care about people” but you can tell from their aura/actions that they only give a fuck about themselves. I hate people that are always quoting positive shit but you can tell its all an act! They don’t act like positive people! They are selfish, judgmental, and critical of  others. They throw positivity in your face just to push you down and make you feel like less of a human being  to make themselves feel better in life. I hate positive people. I like real people. People that really love life.

But, this blog is not about fake bitches. It’s about what I want out of life now. I desperately want to move to LA. Knowing Ms. Illegal and her new wife are going to be basking in the glow of love everywhere I turn now…. Makes me want to leave NYC even more. I hate myself for dating Ms. Illegal. I was a damn fool for getting involved with such an evil cunt. I pray she gets deported every fucking day……. Maybe that should be on my Bucket List!!

“#14. Watching my cunt of an ex get deported back to Europe. I got that green card for her!  she married MY gay boy and then dumped me as soon as she was “safe” in the states. She wouldn’t even have her new soon-to-be wife (she can’t marry her yet since she is still married to my gay boy! HA!) if it wasn’t for me! So, watching her get deported would bring me great personal satisfaction!” BTW, I am not joking here. She did marry my gay boy. And she did dump me as soon as she was “safe” here in the states. Now, you wonder why I am so bitter…….

Alright… Enough about Ms. Illegal. Let’s get to my actual list! Granted, I have done quite a few things on my wish list already… But, I am sure I can think of more now.

Here is my Bucket List…..

1. I want to produce and create my own scripted television show for PrimeTime (8pm to 11pm)! My show can be on any network (NBC, ABC, F/X, HBO, SHOWTIME, etc).  I just want my show to be something that people come home to at night and watch and enjoy! I want people to be entertained by something I create now. How am I trying to reach this goal? I am currently writing  television pilot screenplay. I already have my first idea for a show… Developing it now and planning to enter it into some contests in 2012.

2. I want to produce and create my own reality television show. My reality show can be on any network at any time but I just want people to watch something I create again. How am I trying to reach this goal? I already have a cast reel (shot, edited, etc) including each potential cast member. I have entered my idea in reality tv contests. I lost. But, I still entered in the contests.  I have already written a treatment and 12 page proposal about my idea. I am revising this reel now and creating a YouTube channel to get the word out about my potential cast members and the show concept.

3. I want to date and fuck an EXTREMELY attractive Supermodel, An A or B List sexy movie and television actress,  And finally a HOT Professional Dancer. I kinda want the “A or B List movie/television actress” to be closeted and have a male beard  because I think it would be fun to sneak around and know that I am fucking the hottest thing on tv and film and nobody knows about it… It would be our little secret. The world would be in the dark. That would be sooo cool!

4. I want to win an Emmy for “Outstanding Dramatic Series.” How do I plan to do this? See #1.

5. I want to win an Emmy for “Outstanding Reality Program.” How do I plan to do this? See #2.

6. I want to win a Golden Globe for “Best Drama Series.” How do I plan to do this? See #1.

7. I want the actors on my shows to win awards too!

8. I want to have sex with Alicia Keys one night in her hotel room. I don’t care what I have to do… I will make this happen now!

9. I want to be bi-coastal between NYC and LA at all times. I hate NYC. I will probably hate LA. But, I think there are things I love about each city.  I love the people in NYC (not my cunt of an ex, she can jump off  the George Washington Bridge). I love the vibe in the city. How the bars are open late. How I can get EVERYTHING delivered to me at all hours of the night. How there is a bar every 2 steps on the street. How drinking is more than just a hobby here, its a sport! I will miss the NYC Nightlife in LA. I will miss how I can just pick up a bitch on the street and make out with her all night without knowing her name. You can’t do that in LA. Because people don’t walk. They drive. But, I think I will love LA for the work. I will love LA because everyone is in the biz there. I will love LA because its all production. All the time. And I LOVE production. I will hate the people there. I will hate the nightlife there. Bars close at 2am in LA. They close at 4am in NYC! I love a good 4am night with breakfast at 5am with some random bitch! You can’t have that in LA! BUT, there isn’t any work in NYC. The work is in LA. LA is fake. LA hates old people… But, LA loves production and I love production too!

10. I want to write a memoir. I want to write a book about all my lesbian experiences because I have a ton of them! I used to have a blog on myspace. Oh yes! Myspace! And That blog had over 400 entries about all my other ex lovers (not Ms. Illegal because I didn’t know her at that time)… And my Myspace blog also had a big following at the time! I had about 200 views a day! And I get about 500 views a day on this current blog without out really advertising it and I still have so much more to say now! I want write about my experiences in life and turn it into a movie.

11. I want to write a screenplay about my love life with a writing partner and I want to turn my screenplay into a film. I want to start at the beginning of my lesbian experiences and go up until Ms. Illegal! I probably won’t include Ms. Illegal in my first film. Well, maybe she will make it in the sequel! But, I want my first movie to be about my love life until meeting my current ex. Because I have stories that will make you fall out your chair. I have life experiences that  OTHER people put on their “bucket lists”…..That’s what I want to show people now.

12. I want to make a few other films on some different topics (which I am not going to name here) because I don’t want people stealing my ideas! I don’t care about winning an Oscar. Television is my love. But, I still want to make good films that people will also love and enjoy and just be “in the moment” while watching my movie.

13. I want to FINALLY go to a Film Premiere After Party!! I go to movie premieres all the time now. But, I finally want to be invited to the after party! I want to be on that exclusive list. I want to walk the red carpet. I want to hang with the celebs and make connections for my next big project while sipping on champagne at the AFTER PARTY!

14. I want to go to MY  own film premiere after party! I want people to praise my picture and I want to get drunk at my own party and make out with ladies at my After Party!

15. I want to go to the Oscar After Parties. And of course go to the Oscars.

16. I want to go to the Emmy After Parties. And of course go to the Emmy awards.

17. I just want to go to Hollywood parties in general and fuck lots of hot women at them!

18. I want a publicist and PR team to regulate my speeches and/or how to act on the red carpet!

19. I want my memoir to be on the NY Times Bestseller List (doesn’t have to be number #1) but I just want it on the list!

20. I want to host a dinner party with all my celeb friends in my LA Home.

21. I want to own a house in  LA in the “Hills” with a pool, a hot tub (next to the pool), a work out room, a washer and dryer room, a garage,  three to four bedrooms, an open kitchen and a large living room. I don’t want multiple levels just a large flat space with windows facing LA. I want my view of LA to be amazing and you can see the entire city from my house and/or you have trees up to block the neighbors from viewing all the crazy parties happening in my backyard. LOL!

22. I want to own a 6 million dollar apartment in NYC. I want a two story loft apartment in Soho or the West village. I want it to be cozy (not a bachelor pad) and an open space again. Open kitchen, the loft above would be my bedroom, and I want elevators to open up to my apartment because I own the entire floor.

23. I want a chef, a maid, and a driver at all times. I would mainly use these people when I am in LA because LA would be my primary base. I will call my driver every time I want to go out and “play!” But, I would have a driver, a chef, and a maid when I am in NYC too! No more subway for me!

24. I want my own cars. I want a Mercedes and an SUV in LA. I will hire a driver when I am in the NYC and maybe just have another SUV there. 

25. I want designer clothes, shoes, and a HUGE closest like on Sex And The City. I never want to lack for clothes. When I want to buy something… I can buy it!

26. I want a trainer and nutritionist. I want to keep looking young and healthy for a long time therefore I need people to help whip me into shape!

27. I want a stylist for events. I want people to help me look my best for every big occasion! I want a makeup and hair team to come to my house when I am heading to the Oscars, Emmy Awards, Golden Globes to make me look hot at all times!

28. I want to have “Closeted LGBT Black Hollywood parties”… I want every celeb that’s not out in Hollywood to come over my LA house and feel free to be who they are at all times. I will have parties and have a strict guest list for people to let their hair down and be G-A-Y!

29. I want to travel. I have never been outside of the United states in my entire life. Therefore,  I want to go to Greece, Italy, South Africa, Spain, Bahamas, London, Amsterdam, and Sydney. What about France? Ms. Illegal is from France. I, no longer, want to go to her country.

30. I want to have sex with as many beautiful women as possible. I want to sleep with all the sexy starlets. I want to be date a married rich older business women (that’s in a failed straight marriage) and have a young sexy actress as my mistress/plaything on the side. I want to make love to beautiful women in beautiful places. Amazing Hotel Suites. Beautiful countries. I want to get pictured on the red carpet with a beautiful woman on my arm walking into my movie premiere. I want to take a beautiful woman to napa valley for the weekend and just sip on wine and make love for hours.

***And finally I want to experience my bucket list before I am too old to enjoy it! I need to get my shows out there before I am 40… I still want the energy to fuck hot women. I still want to look good. I want to enjoy my list! I want time!  So, I need to get on my shit now! Life is short! I need to keep pushing life along and stop letting my life take the focus away…. I am doing my best to stay focused now. No love. No women. Just focusing my career. I need to get the revised cast reel and Youtube channel done before the end of the year. I need to have my screenplay done by the end of this month! ***

Some of you ask… What about kids? What about Marriage? Well, I learned a long time ago you can’t predict that shit. You can’t wish for it. It’s the one thing in life you can’t control. You can’t control love. Therefore, why do you put things you have no control over on your Bucket List?!?!?!  You can’t control falling in love. You can’t control if you will even find someone to marry you. But, you can control your career. You can control what happens to your job situation. I am working towards a goal. You can change your fate in your career but working towards what you want and not just dreaming of it. I am working towards this dream now.

I do have an ideal type of woman… A tall, thin, feminine woman that has long wavy hair and light eyes. She will have long legs. Small breasts (not too small like a B Cup), and a great teeth, and a beautiful smile. Race doesn’t matter to me. But, I would love a mixed (black/white) chick with green eyes. That would be fantastic! Basically a lesbian Vanessa Williams and/or Michael Michele. I would marry that chick in two seconds. But, I have been in the lesbian scene a long time and I  have never seen this chick. The Lesbian Vanessa Williams look-a-like does not exist!

And a chick having the ideal personality for my “one”… She does not exist either! I have never met “The Real Motherfucking Deal” http://jlrransom.wordpress.com/2011/09/13/the-real-motherfucking-deal-and-losing-12-pounds/

I have never met “the one” and/or even close to “the one!” I have never met anyone that fit what I would want in a wife and/or long term lover! And I have dated A LOT of women!  Even Ms Illegal didn’t have every quality I would want in a wife…. She fit what I would want in a wife in a lot of ways (that’s why we were together for 3 1/2 years) but there was still something missing there!

So, knowing my looks and my personality type do not exist in real life… I have given up on love. I can’t put love and/or babies on my bucket list because I am not even sure if I want them. I don’t know if I want to fall in love again. I don’t know if I want to waste my time on a bitch just to end up becoming lonely, depressed, and sad in the end. I don’t know if I want to lose myself in another partner again. I can’t handle another breakup. I can’t handle another heartbreak and I am not sure if I want it again. I don’t  want “another heartbreak”  to be on my bucket list.

Ms Illegal took everything from me. I don’t feel like I can do this again and I don’t want to do it again. Love will never happen for me. I don’t wish for love anymore.  I don’t even want children anymore. I used to think I wanted kids but as I get older… Children seem so far from my reach. I can’t see it. I can’t envision a child in my life now.  BUT, I think I am more open to kids than a wife. I able to grasp the concept of  raising my babies. Taking them to school. Dressing them up for Halloween. I think if I HAD to become mom (like a family member passed away and I had to raise their children)… I would be a good one. I would love my babies more than myself and they would be some spoiled bitches! hahahaha I hate kids but I think I would love mine more than the world.

But, I can’t even picture a partner raising kids with me. I can’t see a lover truly being in my life forever… I just can’t see love. I see beauty. I see sex. But, I don’t see love. Love does not exist for me anymore. I never want to love again. Therefore, Love is not on my bucket list. My bucket list is things I can control. Love is an illusion. Only existing for people that believe it. I do not believe in love anymore. I just can’t see love for me and I am ok living my life without love. I am happier now without it. If I never met Ms Illegal my life would be simple and happy  nowand I wouldn’t be depressed about this relationship. I wouldn’t have this hatred in my heart. The pain of love is never worth the journey. I would rather live my life without love than to experience this anger in my soul again. I refuse to put unrealistic goals on my Bucket List. Love is unrealistic to me. And a major distraction in my life. I am happier without heartbreak on my lips.

So, how am going to hit everything on my  Bucket List?

I need to keep writing.

I need to keep shooting and editing my reality show concept and get my Youtube channel out there asap!

I am looking for a stable well paying 9 to 5 gig now to save money for LA.

I need to enter my television pilot screenplay into the contests.

I need stay focused and stop living my depression. I need to turn this depression into material for my memoir or film screenplay.

I just need to just  keep chasing my dreams.

Honestly, I feel my life is so close to greatness. I touch it everyday. I run into celebs. I attend celeb events. I’ve met plenty of famous people. I have connections that on the verge of really breaking out and making it. I just feel everything is “on the verge” for me. I feel I am just so close. So, close to that one break…. And its frustrating when you can taste success and it’s just right out of your reach. That’s where I am now. I am “on the edge of greatness” And the only way to get there…. Is to keep going after my dreams and praying that maybe God can throw down some good luck for me soon because I have truly been to hell and back this year and most of my life. And its time for a change. It’s time to reach the highest of heights. And its time to “make it!”

It’s time for me just to be great and complete My Bucket List!

I have dated quite a few women. I have made plenty of mistakes in my day. Ms. Illegal was a huge mistake and I lost my autonomy in that relationship. I gave up everything….. My friends, My job, My apartment…. to in the end be left with  nothing. So, I learned from that situation that I must keep my sense of self at all times. I need to have my own friends. I need to keep my apartment. I need to keep doing my own thang and let my relationship be secondary not the first and only thing in my life. But, this situation with my ex has nothing to do with this blog. My friend (who wrote that status) is at the beginning of her lesbian love. She is in the newness of love now. And I know from experience… When you are basking in the glow of new love thats when things can get all fucked up! Because that’s when you are most vulnerable as a person. You are letting go with this new someone for the first time. And that’s truly scary!

Lesbians truly self sabotage relationships. Lesbians get all insecure and worried about what “might” happen that they don’t enjoy what is in front of them now. Lesbians get all worked up and lost in love that they start to look for things. Worrying about stupid shit. And see things that are not there. Lesbians fall into relationship destructive patterns meaning they probably rush into a commitment because they are scared of just going with the flow and letting things happen naturally now. Lesbians are so scared of losing their partners in the beginning they FORCE a relationship just to “hold on to them!” Women are just not used to going with the flow. Talking things slow and just enjoying the “here and now.”

Women can’t just go with the flow too! Because there must be a “meaning” in everything! And sometimes there isn’t any meaning! Sometimes relationships just end. Sometimes you gave you heart to the wrong person. Sometimes you just can’t force a relationship.

Lesbians also push their partners away by doing crazy shit in the beginning of their relationships. Starting out of control fights. Being crazy jealous. Calling the person all the time. Pushing too hard. And just bringing the past i.e. ex drama into their relationship.

Honestly, I have been there before and freaked out about the unknown because of my own insecurities in life. I have been hurt so much that when something “seemingly” good came along my defenses were up and I couldn’t just enjoy the moment.  I feel that’s what a lot of women do in relationships. We have been hurt so bad in the past we don’t know how to enjoy something good and right for us. So, lesbians  rush into a relationships, look for problems, and/or just push good partners away because we just don’t want to be hurt again. Being confused or being out of control is scary… And it makes most lesbians afraid to just enjoy love and enjoy their new relationship.

When you worry too much about the future and/or looking for problems you start not to see what you have and that’s what ruins relationships. Problems in relationships mainly start because of our own insecurities and just not taking enough time to stop and smell the roses. Don’t worry about the future or what you should or shouldn’t be doing now… Enjoy the moment!

I think the only reason why Ms Illegal and I were together for so long was that I stopped worrying about the future, making up problems, and living in the past. I started to enjoy the present at one point… I started to let go of this need to find fault in her and it worked for a long time. I broke the pattern with my ex. A pattern that’s hard to break with lesbians. Because let’s face it… Most lesbians are shady. Most women are evil. And most of us have been hurt many times before. So, its hard to love again.

I was beat down by another shady “ex” before Ms. Illegal. My first love took my heart and smashed it. Dani California. We dated about six months.  We were never “together”… She wouldn’t commit me. She kept saying she needed “Dani California Time.”  But, she lived with me for three months out of the six months we were “together.” She Fucked me for three months. Ate my food for three months.  Spent every evenings with me for three months.  YET While living in my house she used to chat it up and holla at other hoes. And then when she was ready to leave my place because her financial world was finally coming together… She dumped my ass. And 4 days later found a real GIRLFRIEND. She committed to a new bitch just 4 days after moving out of my place! She refused to commit to me. But, she jumped right in with this new hoe.  LOL! It’s so not cool. I am over it now.

Granted, I see my faults with Dani California now. I didn’t let go of my past with her. I was looking for problems. And I accused her of cheating on me with a friend. I was right to not trust her. But, my constant jealously didn’t help my situation with my first love. And that was that….. And I thought I did better with Ms. Illegal. I got over being confused and searching for problems that weren’t there. But, I got burned again.

I don’t want to love again. Ms. Illegal has ruined me.  My past has finally pulled me down for  good. And knowing Ms. Illegal moved on so quickly and found a wife… Well, that just shows that she never really loved me. I was used for that perfect green pass and I am coming to terms with this fact now. And I don’t think anyone else will be able to melt this cold heart  of mine. Because I am done. I will never love again. I don’t want to love again.  I’ll date. I’ll fuck. I’ll hang. But, the word “love” will never be uttered from my lips again in regards to a bitch. I hate all women and I truly hate Ms. Illegal. I wish her pain, suffering, and to feel what I feel now. I wish one day she will be held accountable for her actions and revenge will be mine. Karma needs to attack her….. I wish her pain. I wish her regret. I wish her to feel my world now.

But, this blog is not a rant about Ms. Illegal. This blog is a warning to all lesbians. Don’t rush into relationships because you are scared of the unknown! Let the relationship take its course. Follow the “yellow brick road”…. If you happen to fall into a relationship early with your new love then let yourself fall  and don’t run away from  it. But, don’t force a relationship either!  Lesbians love to force shit because of their own insecurities! They need to “own” things and make sure their “property” belongs to them. Lesbians are jealous because they can’t trust themselves. The nature of a woman is to be a shady cunt. And lesbians are just a product of nature and they are quick to cut each other down. There’s no loyalty amongst women. So, don’t rush because your scared you will get hurt… Because sadly you will get hurt! Just face the fact you will experience great pain with this person one day. And that’s ok. That’s just what happens when two women get together! They fuck each other over… So, delay the bitter end a bit and take a step back and enjoy the ride.

Don’t look for problems when things are going great! Honestly, its a rare moment that lesbians are actually in a good place in their relationships. So, take that moment in! Enjoy it! Because it probably won’t happen again! Stop being insecure and looking for problems that are not there…. Don’t destroy this moment! Just go with the flow!

Ideally, that’s the only way to my heart. If a chick wants to be with me…. They can’t press it. They can’t rush it. They can’t get scared or confused. They just gotta enjoy our time together.  Accept the fact that we have fun. Accept that we have great sex. Accept this happy moment. Don’t let the past push us down…. Leave the past in the past. Don’t let History pull us down. Enjoy the small things in life. I can’t handle pressure. I can’t handle confusion. I don’t have time to deal with a confused bitch. Because I am never confused. If I want someone I want them. I don’t need to think about shit. If you have to think about anything with me in the beginning of our interactions… You are out. Its too early in the relationship for anyone to “think!” We should be having fun! And not thinking on purpose!  Therefore,  I need things to be Easy Breezy! I need to just enjoy the good times before the darkness sets in now. Don’t push me in the darkness too soon!

But, I am not finding love anymore. I am going on my own path. Living my life alone. And no longer being a punching bag for bitches. I think if I dated a chick that didn’t use me for something like (a green card, to get over an ex, my apartment, etc) that I would pass out on the floor and die of shock! So, if I was like my friend that wrote that status above and found a nice girl that made me feel the highest of highs and I didn’t feel pain for minute….. I truly wouldn’t be looking down. I would be looking up and falling into happiness. Because lesbian relationships only go down from there.

I am a jaded bitch. IF I see a seemingly happy long term lesbian couple I always assume that I can break that shit up and/or one of them is cheating because this is usually the case for lesbians. I have been “the other woman” in lesbian relationships many times. I rarely see healthy happy long term lesbian couples. So, if you think you met a good girl and she is giving you what you want in the moment. Enjoy that moment! Stop ruining your own shit! Because as soon as you blink you will be standing alone dealing with another heartbreak.

In conclusion…..

Dear Friend, Just Enjoy the moment and Be Happy sista… You deserve it! And don’t look down….

I have decided I am no longer calling Stale Bitch (my ex). “Stale Bitch.” We are retiring her nickname.

Her new name will be…

Drum Roll please….

“Ms. Illegal”

That’s  right! YAY!!!! It’s a great name! And fits her so perfectly! LOL!

Alright… This is a short one. I am working on a new long blog and it’s coming soon. I was inspired by my friend on facebook talking about her current relationship drama. So, we will discuss that topic next time!

Everyone clap for Ms. Illegal!! Why did she get this name? Because She truly wouldn’t be in this country if it wasn’t for me! I worked hard to help her stay in this country and now she is here for good  – But, not with me! YAY! This is exciting! And Ms. Illegal loves to “Forget” and/or not tell people about my efforts in getting her this NYC life therefore this new nickname should make things crystal clear to everyone now!

Dear Ms. Illegal, Congrats on your new name! And Congrats on your new wife/girlfriend/hoe/whatever. I am truly happy for you! BTW, You should tell your new wife about your new nickname! I am sure she would LOVE it!

Talk to you later Blog Readers!

…..And remember Stale Bitch = Ms. Illegal now.

Do hot chicks not exist online?

Maybe all the hot gay women are taken?

Maybe all their profiles are fake and maybe OkCupid and/or other online companies just  use hot pics of women just to get you to stay with their company in hopes of hitting that hot pussy?

Or.. maybe the hot featured profiles are just used to get you to join the site?!

Because in person I am constantly getting some sexy numbers but for some reason online I only get fat busted hoes! And this does not work for me!!!

And when I voiced my concern about only getting fat busted women writing me on OkCupid on facebook… Of course… All my lesbian friends has to come back with this some cheesy shit like “beauty is just skin deep!” “Maybe you should write back on of the ugly women (as you say) because maybe they have a great personality”… Well, I am sorry but … I don’t think so!

I know I may sound shallow but I don’t have time to waste on ugly bitches! I am like a frat boy or a gay man. I just love a beautiful person. Attraction comes first for me!  I need to find you attractive FIRST before I can even CONSIDER you for a romantic situation!  I just can’t date a busted person because I assume they might have a good personality! I don’t care if I meet the woman for me  in terms of her personality … if she is busted. She is busted. We can probably be friends. She can be my BFF! But, I can’t date her. I can’t even imagine licking that pussy!  Plus, the woman for me would never be busted anyway! Part of her personality would be wanting to take care of her looks and looking fly! Being a ugly hoe is not the chick for me! Not taking care of herself, being fat, and just not looking good or feminine does not equal the one for me! Part of just being “the one” for me is looking damn sexy at all times!

Whether I am looking for a fling or a wife I still want someone attractive and  I won’t entertain someone that doesn’t meet my looks standards. Sorry Ugly Hoes!  Stale Bitch was hot AND smart. Therefore, You can have a good personality and also be attractive! I don’t think its that hard to meet that combo! Right now, I am only looking for a fling but even if I do want to start looking for a wife again I am not going to entertain someone ugly just to entertain them. That’s a waste of my time! I am too old to settle for a nasty bitch!  Being attractive is basic to me! If you are not attractive to me… You never will be! So, why waste my time? Life is too short!

Also, I like it when folks check my hoe out and people are like “wow your girl is cute!” It turns me on and makes me want her more! Its shallow I know… But, I just like a hot girl and I dont see anything wrong with that! I am not solely looking for models but I do require a certain level of attractiveness for me to want her!

I just think a lot of lesbians settle. They settle for unattractive women because they think thats the best they can get and the community is so small its hard to find someone hot and cool that is single. Well, I would rather be single forever than to date someone unattractive. I refuse to settle on looks and plus I think its a COMMON misconception that ugly people are “cool” and have good personalities! I know some very ugly people that have UGLY personalities too! Just because someone is hot doesn’t mean they are horrible people. And just because someone is ugly doesnt mean they are nice folks! Just sayin’!

I am so annoyed with people giving ugly people the nice pass! You don’t know if someone is nice until you meet them, period. Seeing an ugly bitches profile doesn’t automatically mean she is “nice!” No! It just means she is an ugly bitch. Get over it. And beauty is everything! I am sorry but it is! When you first see someone in a bar, online, at the store, in a gym you are not like “OH THIS PERSON MUST BE NICE!” You are like “This person is hot!” OR… “This person is busted.” You see LOOKS first because we all have eyes! A person’s looks are the first thing we see… And then we get to know them. That’s how it works! Looks first. THEN personality. You can’t deny that!

I don’t know how lesbians do it….. I don’t know how they can date ugly women. I see it all the time! A hot chick with a busted bitch. It makes no sense. What is wrong with you?? Hot chicks have some standards?!?! At least pick a semi cute chick! Seriously! I think hot or cute people that end up dating someone that is ugly must have low self esteem.  How can you fuck  someone that is gross?! What turns you on about an ugly bitch?! How can you get wet for an ugly hoe??  Yeah, this makes me sound like a bitch. But, I am one. So, if you don’t like it. Stop reading my blog! HAHAHAHA

Anyway, I just can’t do ugly. I am not a model myself. I am cute. No Question. I am a cocky bitch. Like I said in my other blog, I love myself! But, I am also aware of my surroundings. I know where I stand in the world. I am not rich. I am still poor and trying to “make it” therefore I can’t get actresses, models, etc right now. I am short with a cute body but I am not super thin. I am a size 8. I am curvy which is a turn off to some women, mainly white women. White girls like their bitches SKINNNY! But, I have a cute face. Good style. And I am sexy. You can’t buy sexy. Or fake sexy. I am sexy. So, my sex appeal gets me a lot of chicks. So, I guess I just want a chick (NOT a relationship!) I am against those now… But, I just wanted a fun dating thing with a cute girl like me. She doesn’t have to be a model but she should be attractive to most people.  She should be in the 6 to 8 range in numbers like myself. On a good day, I can be an 7/8 depending on the style and my sex appeal and on a bad day I am around a 6. I want a chick that matches me. People check me out. Male and Female. I want my woman to be the same.

I can’t date someone that other people don’t validate in terms of her looks. Does that make me shallow and insecure?!!? Not really. It’s just what I like and what I want and I am clear about that… I don’t want to be the only pretty one in my relationship. It’s major turn off to me to be the only “hot chick!” Lesbians are probably going to stone me alive for this blog! But, I don’t care. I like what I like. I can’t pretend to like a busted chick just because I “should” and she might be nice! It’s a waste of time for me. Lesbians always want to seem above the rest of the world but they are not. They are just as shallow as me! I just put it out there!

1. Most lesbians want the hot chicks but they just settle for the busted ones because they are scared of being alone.

2. Most lesbians that love dating ugly girls are insecure because they don’t want to compete with their partner and they are afraid that their chick will be taken away  from her by other women if she is too hot. Nobody can “Steal” your partner… Your partner has to be willing to go from the jump! #themoreyouknow!

3. Most lesbians think like me but are afraid to show it.

4. Most lesbians like everyone else in the world are racist and do have a race preference in terms of looks. Yet they are afraid to say it…. White = right. Black = wack. And don’t get it twisted folks… I have seen it all the time. I have been rejected by white women because I was black. I have been told “I don’t date black women because I just don’t find them attractive” by lesbians. And I am happy they told me… Why??? Because at least they are being straight up and honest. Most people hide in the shadows and think this way but don’t say anything!

5. A lot of lesbians go “butch” (i.e. try to be be butch and look masculine) when they come out! Why?? Because that’s what they believe will get them more women AND they believe most lesbians are butch. Luckily, The L Word is changing this butch stereotype but it’s still there! A lot of women that are “Butch” aren’t butch let me tell you….. Most butch women are bottoms and the “girl” in the relationship!  Lesbians also think that because they are gay… They don’t have to be adhere to the straight norms and they can buzz cut their hair, wear hiking boots with shorts in the summer, wear BIG over-sized jerseys, etc etc Well, you wonder why The L Word was a cast full of hot femme “Straight looking” lesbians and The L Word became a natural phenomena YET a show about butch lesbians has never seen the light of day?? You wonder why the most treasured women are straight looking lesbians in the gay scene??! Butch women mainly just want to date feminine “straight looking” women. Why does every lesbian want a straight girl?!?! Because straight norms are hot!  We are taught to think straight norms are hot. And most of us believe what we are taught.. its engrained in us! Folks like a bitch in high heels, tight clothes, sexy long hair, etc etc. Only lesbians care about bitches that look like dudes. And even butch girls don’t even want other women that look like dudes. So….. what is wrong with straight norms again? Yeah, its sexist. Yeah, its wrong. But, it’s also so right! I just love a bitch in stilettos. Gets me wet every time!

6. Lesbians think that women will see the beauty within and they don’t have to femme it up to get chicks. And this is true in most cases because of…. See #1 and #2.

7. Also, lesbians just get lazy in relationships and stop taking care of themselves…. They become BFFs with their lover and they lose their minds. They don’t go out. They stay in. They eat a ton of food and just “lay with each other.” They get fat. And because they are fat…. They keep staying in because they don’t want folks to see that they gained A TON of weight. And then the relationship becomes this needy and codependent bullshit…… Leading  the relationship to become toxic. And finally, it ends with two fat depressed lesbians back on the dating market to repeat the same patterns all over again!

Honestly, the state of the lesbian community is sad. I am glad we are starting to embrace out looks more. The L Word has changed a few things for us. I am happy to see two femme women together! But, we have a long way to go! We need to start taking care of ourselves and spending time on our appearance. Get rid of the hiking boots. And if you must have them.. only use them when you are actually hiking. Burn all jerseys! Wear clothes that fit. Change up your hair.. Mullets and Buzz cuts are NOT CUTE!!!!! Dress up to go out for once… Don’t wear the “your work out shirts” to the bar. Oh wait… Why don’t you work out first?!?! And if you must be a butch. Have some style. Carry yourself correct. Get some muscles. Wear clothes that fit.

All in all, lesbians just need to step up their game. Stop thinking beauty is in the eye of the beholder (because its not!). We have a standard of beauty in this society  and its White, Thin,  Big Tits. Little Waist. Long Legs, Fat Stomach, and Long Hair. Basically, its BARBIE! Every woman whether we like it or not is being measured up to this standard i.e. Barbie. So, deal with it. And embrace it. So what if you not white and you don’t have any of these qualities!  Some people are willing to vary off of this equation… So, Make yourself look good! Dress up! Understand that people notice when you are trying to look good. We all know what ugly is… But, don’t let ugly be your fate. Be the best that you can be! And do your best to be pretty! Because we all have eyes. And looks do come first. Nobody can see your personality…. So, if you are nice person make your outside match your insides. It’s the best way! And if you are ugly stop trying to date attractive people. Know your place.

The only thing that trumps looks is MONEY! Money can take you from a 2 to a 10. You can jump your place in life because of money. If you are not happy with the bitches you are getting or your looks… Start to find a way to make money.  Money rules this world. You can be a busted bitch but if you have money you can get anyone you want. So, if the best you is still ugly… Work to get money. Find that cash. Become powerful and then you can get anyone you want. Golddigging bitches are hot! Use that Golddigging hoe for her looks because she is using you for the cash. Money can make anyone look hot. Use your cash for plastic surgery and to buy yourself a cool wardrobe. Money changes the game. I hope to take my cute looks now and then add some cash to the pot to get the models, actresses, and dancers! I like cute girls. But, I want hot. And money is the only way to get to me to hot!

Money will get me off OkCupid getting emails from busted bitches and get me into some HOT model/dancer/actress pussy! HA!

So, I had another blog planned for this entry but some new developments in my saga with Stale Bitch (my ex) have surfaced now. I found out she has a girlfriend. That’s right. She is fucking pussy now. She is no longer fucking dudes. BTW, she started fucking dudes right after me (but we knew this already blog readers!).  But, now she jumped from the dick to the lick. Damn, this bitch can’t be alone! It’s ok! Because I am not as upset as I thought I  would be… And I guessed/knew that she was fucking men after me but I didn’t think she was back to girls. And honestly, I don’t care. Because this shit will end. Her relationship now won’t last. How do I know that? Because Stale Bitch doesn’t know what she wants! Honestly, I don’t see her marrying a woman. She will marry a man. And if she is reading this blog now… Hate me all you want. But, you know its the truth. You are straight hoe. Stop planning around in the lady pond.  And don’t call me when you break this new bitches heart! #Justsayin’ Because you will break her heart. You will destroy her just like you did me. Enjoy! I feel bad for the new hoe… She will get her heart broken once again!

I think it’s the hardest to hear that your ex has moved on without you before you have moved on from her or the situation. I am still single. Still Dating around. Still flirting. Still doing my thing in the bar scene. But, I don’t want a wife. I don’t want a girlfriend. I don’t want to be in another needy codependent relationship with someone that never loved me in the first place. What a waste of time?! I wasted three 1/2 years of my life on someone that stole my entire life (friends, cat, clients, apartment) and  now my dignity! You are talking shit about me. Making me the bad guy to the world because I am not around to defend myself!  Again, Stale Bitch you wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for me?!?! That Green Pass goes to me! Your girlfriend. Your friends. Your life belongs to me. Everything you are belongs to me. You wouldn’t even exist in this current world if it wasn’t for me.

So, what happens now?? Nothing. I will continue moving on with my life. Making new friends. Going to my bars. Just being me. I am surprised how well I am doing now. I think I have truly moved on… I think maybe it’s because I am still drunk from last night and I haven’t truly realized she is sucking another clit. Or… Maybe I am just over it. It’s been a year. A year of pain. A year of heartache. A year of nothingness. A year of regret.

I do regret meeting her.

I regret wasting my time on her.

I regret helping her.

I regret loving her.

I regret everything about her.

I regret the memory of her.

I want revenge. I want her to feel pain. I want her to know my pain. I want her to lose. I want her to lose her green pass. I want her to “here” with me. Angry. Bitter. And Just fucking Pissed. I want revenge!!!!! And its sad I can’t have it now. I can’t do anything. So, I am stuck.  And I can’t go back. I am an old bitch now. So, I have to keep it fabulous. I have to work with what I got now. I can’t live in the past. I need to move on from this quest for revenge and just understand that she won and I lost. She never has to answer to the consequences of her actions. So, I have to let the bitterness fade……

Where is my life now? Better. I don’t see Stale Bitch anymore. She keeps to her ‘hood. I keep to my ‘hood. I flirt. I get numbers. Bitches want me. While I don’t want them. The cycle continues.

I am glad she isn’t flaunting her new bitch in my face. She at least is respecting me enough not to toss that bitch into my spots.

So, Will I date again? Will I ever get into another relationship? I don’t think so. Stale Bitch fucked me up. She ruined me forever. I have no desire to ever give my heart again. I have no desire to ever love. Love is pointless. Love is meaningless. Love does not exist. Love = Lies. She was lie therefore love is a lie. I am against love. If I had to protest anything that would be it.. Love. I would protest against love. The only love that truly exists is love for family. A mothers love exists. A fathers love exists. But, I am not going to say this happens for all people. Some people don’t have family. love. And that’s sad. But, it also proves my point that love does not exist. Love is bullshit.

I am happier single. I have always been better single. Honestly, relationships are a waste of time because they always end and someone always leaves you. You don’t believe me?? Well, everyone dies. And when you are in a relationship someone will die first therefore this someone leaves you. And you will be single and left alone. Thus, this proves my point again. Relationships are pointless.

So, what do I plan to do with my life? I live for me. Enjoy me. “Do Me.” Not deal with anymore fucking disappointment.

People are going to tell me… Oh You just need to find “the one”… OR… “You will believe in love when you find someone else.”  Again, 1. There is no “one!” 2. NOT EVERYONE FINDS SOMEONE!!! Romantic love is not the only thing in life. I no longer believe in love, period. I don’t even think I know what love actually means since Love has never been kind to me. And I would be crazy to keep chasing it. And, in fact, I don’t even want it. Stale Bitch will jump from love to love. She will keep chasing after what she is missing… She is missing herself. She is lost. It’s almost laughable. But, more just sad.

I know myself. I am not lost anymore. I am found. I am a bitter old  single black lesbian. Dealing with this situation has changed my life, it was a defining moment and I am awake now. Losing my entire life. Losing my entire world. Made me see. What is it all really for now?! I gave everything to her. Lost myself in her to in the end to be left with nothing…. And now I am starting over. And old bitch starting over… I am different now but I can confident about me now. I don’t hide in shame. I am who I am. And some people like me. Some people hate me. But, I am me. I am starting to love me. That’s a love that exists! Self Love. I love myself.

I think this situation got me to see myself. I am flawed human being. And I have been thru hell but I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. The light might not be what you want… The light isn’t “seeing love or finding fucking hope to find the right one” for me. The light is realizing that the world sucks, people suck, and life just doesn’t get better… But, you just gotta do the best with what God gave you. God is mad at me now. He/She isn’t too happy with me at the moment. So, I am getting some shitty shit now. But, I am doing my best to just deal with the shit. Pick up the shit. Carry the shit. Be happy with the shit. It’s still shit tho. And what I have learned over the years.. You can’t make anything good out of shit. You just gotta deal. So, I am dealing, Lord. I am truly dealing with the shit now. I pray that one day God starts to like me again……

Nothing good is happening for me now. I am not like my ex. I don’t have a new love. I have nothing going for me. IF I jumped off a building now… Folks would be like “well, she had nothing going for her! she might as well just jump off now!” Oh but you say.. “your smart, talented, bla bla bla bla” My talents still haven’t given me a STABLE  full time job. My looks still haven’t landed me a hot dancer, model, actress chick. My career still hasn’t really taken off despite my all my hard work and efforts. I still have an amazing tv pilot screenplay sitting on my computer that nobody important will read. I still have a cast reel, treatment, proposal that no network will take yet.  I still have ideas for shows that will make me famous that nobody will listen too. I am still a fucking failure. I still have nothing. I am like the Whitney Houston song… “I have nothing” …. Granted, I don’t want you (stale bitch). I don’t want your lies. Telling people I owe you money!??! Bitch Please. Fucking get my take my name off your lips! I hate you.

So, again where do I go from here? A woman with nothing. Living for nothing. Wanting more. Dealing with shit. And never wanting love again. I don’t know…. I have no idea where this cruel world is taking me. I still have passion for my career. I still have this need to “make it.” Make my shows. Make my films. Show the world this nothing bitch can still make it. This nothing bitch can take over the entertainment world. This nothing bitch has a voice. Because the world ignores the nothings. We get lost. People always want  the trite happy sayings. People always try sugarcoat shit and wrap things up in a nice bow. But, the world doesn’t always work out. Things don’t fit together neatly. Things just don’t work. So, what happens then??? Thats where I come in. To give you the real deal and to help you deal with reality. Life is shit. And since you are here…. Just gotta deal.

This is where I am now. Learning to live alone. Be alone. And truly never depending on anyone again. Ignoring love. Hating love. Hating the very existence of my ex.  Hoping Karma catches her and slaps her for all her lies. Stale Bitch always finds love because she keeps chasing mirages. I really loved her. She will never find a love like mine. I know this for a fact… Everyone will tell her differently. Everyone will cut me down and diminish my existence to her… And that’s fine. I am cool with it because I know the truth. I will never love again and she will never find another love like mine. I gave my life to her. So, she should be lucky. She should be happy. I will never love again after her. I will never give my heart away again. She should be  happy. Happy she ruined my life. Happy she crushed my dreams. Trashed my soul. I hope she is very happy now….. All I had was a thing called love but in the end that wasn’t enough…But, I’ll move on just like you. And I have moved on. I hate love because of you.

My life is simple now. I have no drama. I  have no worries. I have no cares. Life is short. And I REFUSE to waste my time again. I wasted my life on love. And no more. No more. I am truly alone now. And being alone makes me happy. Because I finally know me. I am not ashamed of me anymore. I have accepted my dark side. I have accepted my lighter side. I have accepted my situation and I am learning to deal with my life and make it better for me. I will never be this happy-go-lucky bitch again. But, I will keep trying to make it and keep running after my dreams.

I live for my work.

I live for country music.

I live for my cocktails on a warm night.

I live for my family.

I live for movies.

I live for production.

I live for my ideas.

I live for tv.

I live for the bar.

I live for gossiping with my friends.

I live for my friends.

I live for a great pop jam or an R&B slow groove.

I live for my career.

I live just to be happy on my own.

I am a selfish bitch. I am a cunt. I am an asshole. But, I fucking love me.  I am an old bitter bitch that wants to be rich. I know what I want in life now. My career fills my cold heart. I don’t make excuses for me anymore. I refused to get sidetracked again. I am focused only on me.  I am not trying to change me. I have accepted myself and my flaws. I am dealing with the woman in the mirror and taking myself in at full view.  And I am living with the nothingness and chasing after an empire. (Meaning: I am living with the reality of my situation now but I am hoping for more) I am living with me. Dealing with me. Embracing me. Loving me.

Well, I just rediscovered this song today… And I was like “Where was this song during my painful break up days?!?!” It totally described my situation with Stale Bitch (my ex) and my feelings afterwards!

And even tho now… I finally feel like I am slowly starting to move on….. I thought I would post this jam as a little treat for my blog readers because it’s a damn good song!

Plus, ANYONE going thru a breakup can relate to this jam for sure!

But, first I want to talk about R&B! I want to talk about the State of R&B today OR.. Should I say lack thereof state of R&B music today!

You know…. I miss good classic R&B. R&B doesn’t exist anymore. Trey Songz, Bruno Mars, etc can’t write jams like this now!

1. Most R&B artists today don’t even write their own music.

2. R&B doesn’t exist. It’s all Pop Now. Drum machines. Stock tracks. And trite lyrics.

3. R&B has lost it’s integrity and honesty. People don’t write lyrics anymore that come from a sincere place. It’s all just to make a quick buck.

4. Neo Soul is the only thing we have close to R&B today! Neo Soul = Artists like Jill Scott, Eric Benet, Marsha Ambrosius, Badu, Melanie Fiona,  etc. This is basically R&B today! But, I miss the classics. The love songs. The sex songs. The romance.

5. Today’s “R&B” artists can’t hold up to the greats like Prince, The Spinners, (heck!) even Jodeci!

6. The only person still doing R&B somewhat today is Ne-Yo and Robin Thicke.

I love Jennifer Hudson but all her tracks sounds like bad Celine Dion knock offs!

I like Fantasia but her personal life gets in the way of her music.

Beyonce is not R&B. She is Pop.

Trey Songz is not R&B. Chris Brown is not R&B. Bruno Mars is not R&B. Alicia Keys is not R&B. They are pop.

The only “R&B” Alicia Keys songs are Un-Thinkable and Impossible. Honestly, Xtina is WAY more R&B than Alicia Keys!

7. R&B today does not sell records. What is in right now is … Hip Hop and Electronic/Dance music like Lady GaGa, LMFAO. I like Dance music too but sometimes I miss the musical styles of Silk, Babyface, Mint Condition, 112, OLD Mary J. Blige (now all her music today sounds the same), Jon B, Tony! Toni! Tone!, etc

8. Again, Beyonce is not R&B. Pandora, Spotify, etc always love to put Beyonce on the R&B stations… But, she isn’t R&B nothing about her music is soulful. She makes some GREAT pop tracks. But, compare her to like Angela Winbush, Toni Braxton, Keyshia Cole,  or even like Lisa Stansfield… They are way more soulful than Beyonce! Diana Ross and Beyonce to me are clear and classic Pop! And that’s ok. But, the music stations need to get it right!

9. What happened to love songs? Now, all the songs today in the pop world are all about ass, tits, money, and getting that bitch to suck your dick! I miss lyrics like Just My Imagination by The Temptations:  “Every night, on my knees I pray, Dear Lord, hear my plea…don’t ever let another take her love from me  or I will surely die.. Ooh, her love is heavenly; when her arms enfold me, I hear a tender rhapsody… but in reality, she doesn’t even know me….”

10. And finally… Music today is all about the beats, the production, and the image of the artist. It is no longer about the lyrics! You don’t have anymore sweeping romantic ballads or just damn good songs with introspective lyrics. R&B doesn’t touch your soul anymore. Make you cry. Make you want to fall in love. Make you believe in love. R&B is just gone. The soul is gone. Yes, there are some singer/songwriter artists that can create works of art with music but I miss a good Sex song! I miss a good slow jam. I miss a song that can just make me wet! It’s sad, really?! : (

Here are the lyrics to Prince “I hate U” (anyone that has been heart broken, cheated on, or just dissed can relate to this song!)……

U have just accessed the Hate Experience
Do U wish 2 change your entry?
Very well, please enjoy your experience

I never thought that U would be the one
After all the things that we’ve been through
U gave your body 2 another in the name of fun
I hope U had some baby, if not, boo hoo

CHORUS:
It’s so sad but I hate U like a day without sunshine
It’s so bad but I hate U cuz U’re all that’s ever on my mind
Honey, I hate U – Now everyday would be a waste of time
Cuz I hate U

I never thought that I could feel this way
2 fall in love was a table reserved 4 fools
Say U’re sorry if U wanna but it’s all in vain
I’m out the door sweet baby, that’s right, we’re through

CHORUS

This court is now in session
Would the defendant please rise?
State your name 4 the court
Never mind (Billy Jack Bitch)
U’re being charged with one 2 many counts of heartbreaking
In the 1st degree
I don’t give a damn about the others
My main concern is U and me

Your honor, may I call 2 the stand my one and only witness?
A girl that know damn well she didn’t have no damn business
I know what U did, how U did it and uh.. who U did it with
So U might as well plead guilty cuz U sure can’t plead the 5th
Now raise your right hand
Do U swear 2 tell the whole truth
Not the half truth like U used 2 so help U God?
Nod your head one time if U hear me
If U don’t, I’ll have 2 use the rod
Anything 2 make U see that uh.. U’re gonna miss me
Yeah, U’re gonna miss me
Uh, uh, uh, oh!

If it please the court
I’d like 2 have the defendant place her hands behind her back
So I can tie her up tight and get into the act
The act of showing her how good it used 2 be
I want it 2 be so good she falls back in love with me

Close your eyes
I’m gonna cover your ass with this sheet
And I want U 2 pump your hips like U used 2
And, baby, U better stay on the beat
Did U do 2 your other man the same things that U did 2 me?
Right now I hate U so much I wanna make love until U see
That it’s killin’ me, baby, 2 be without U
Cuz all I ever wanted 2 do was 2 be with U … ow!

I hate U (I hate U)
Because I love U (Because I love U)
But I can’t love U (I can’t love U)
Because I hate U (I hate U)

Because I love U
I love U, baby
I love U {x3}

I love U cuz U’re all that’s ever on my mind
I hate U because I love U

And here is the song….

I truly miss R&B!! You can’t relate to it anymore. R&B today is gone. It’s just BAD Pop now with wanna-be undertones of a good R&B slow jam! OR they are sampling classic R&B jams today and adding bad lyrics and talking about “bitches, hoes, and getting their dick sucked” over some amazing love songs! I just miss real R&B.

Anna Paquin, Adrianne Curry, and Xtina!

Let’s Start with Anna! Go True Blood!!! True Blood is an amazing show therefore this makes her hot by default. But, her man isn’t that cute. Stephen Moyer. But, he is also on the show and he plays “Bill.” He was pretty hot this season but I would love to see her with a really hot chick later!  She is OUT as bisexual and Honestly, Anna doesn’t do it for me completely BUT we don’t have much to select from that’s out in Hollywood now. Plus…. I wouldn’t throw her out of bed either. Anna has something about her that makes her sexy.

And does have a tight little body tho and you see her naked all the time on True Blood. SOOKIE!!!!

Next is Adrianne Curry. She was on America’s Next Top Model.  She is VERY out as bisexual. So, what she married Peter Brady?!  She was young and in love. Don’t hate her for that! She is very out spoken about her sexuality. Just look at her twitter! She is also for gay rights! I know she is not a big fan of Tyra Banks… But, thats her issue not mine. I love Tyra and I love Adrianne. I have enough room in my heart for both of them. Adrianne is probably one of the most successful Top Models too!  She even wrote me back on Twitter!!!

So, here is Ms. Adrianne Curry. She is truly BEAUTIFUL!!!

Adrianne is out of control hot! I can’t believe I forgot about her on my main list!!!

I would kill for one night with this bitch! So, freaking sexy! I don’t care that she was married to Christopher Knight aka Peter Brady! She is SEXY!!!!

And finally… EVERYONE is a hater on her lately but I still love her! And she has been featured on this blog many times!!! MS. CHRISTINA AGUILERA!!! Yes, Christina is out as bisexual. http://gossiponthis.com/2010/06/13/christina-aguilera-talks-bisexual/

And YES… She has gained weight lately and she isn’t looking so hot! But, so what?!?! Everyone gains weight! And she isn’t that big! She is just “big” for Hollywood! Xtina is still sexy and she can SING her ass off which makes her even more hot! Folks need to get over the weight thing… What is she now a size like 8!?! I am a size 8 people! And I look fucking good! Get over it! And folks wonder why celebrity bitches are starving themselves?!?!?!?! Geez. A bitch gains some weight and the world hates her. Give Xtina a BREAK!!! It’s easy to keep weight down when your young.. its much harder when your older now! Lay off it America!

But, because she has been featured on this blog before we are only going to post a few pics now……

And when she was skinny she was FLY… But, she is still cute now!!!

And here she is now…. Again, she is not that bad! It’s just America isn’t happy unless you are a size ZERO!!!

And that’s it for my hottest OUT bi/lesbian ladies in Hollywood! More women still need to come out… But, I feel things will get better for the LGBT community and more bitches will come out in the future!

Here is this annoying Vlog about supposedly “hot” out women in Hollywood…

Anyway, now its my turn! And honestly, I don’t think there are 25 out women in Hollywood that are hot. Sorry. But, most of the women out are BUSTED… Therefore, its going to be a long hard road for me to pick TWENTY FIVE attractive OUT bitches in Hollywood! And this is why more chicks need to come the fuck out! AND…. That’s why I am going to do a Top 10 because there are only about 10 women in Hollywood that are OUT as bisexual/gay that are actually hot!

#10 for me is.. Ms. Drew Barrymore. She is out as bisexual and she is hot! Too bad she would never openly date a woman tho! She has a nice body and totally talented!  And she has a truly interesting story too!

#9… Ms. Megan Fox. Honestly, she seems like a real bitch but I have to admit she is HOT! Smokin’ hot! She seems like a cunt but you can’t deny her looks. She is a beautiful woman and she is out as bisexual. It’s uncanny how hot she is!!!! Personally, I think she is more LESBIAN than bi… At least thats what I have heard from gossip sites!

And even dressed down bitch is FINE!!! Granted, she would never date me or probably just a cute normal chick like myself! I can see her only going after models and/or people in her scene. I just don’t think she is really nice person!

#8… Cameron Diaz (she had been featured in my blog before therefore I am only going to post a couple of pics) But, she came out as bisexual recently… http://zacquisha.com/cameron-diaz-bisexual-justin-bieber-breaks-neck/2215/

And I saw her at the Bad Teacher Premiere and she was looking FLY! She has an incredible body and super tall and sexy! Totally love her! People need to stop hating on her because she dates shady men. She is a hottie and seems like a cool chick ! Bad Teacher was also one of the Top Grossing Rated R comedies this year!

She is in her 40s and looks fantastic!

#7...Mia Kirshner… Girlfriend may be CRAZY But she is smokin’ hot! And she is bisexual. Have you been noticing a trend here?!?! All the hottest women are bisexual?!?!?! Mia also has a SICK body! Out of control body! I loved her on the L Word too! People hated Jenny but you are supposed to hate Jenny… That means she did her job quite well! I would have fucked Jenny because she was smokin’ hot! Mia Kirshner is one sexy bitch!

I know people hated Jenny on the L Word.. But, how can you say this bitch is NOT sexy?!?!?!

#6… Is on every list! And she makes mine because she is hot but it’s annoying that every lesbian is obsessed with her and her wife. Ms. Portia De Rossi! She is hot but not the hottest women on the planet now… OK, Lesbians?!?!?! And I am only posted two pics of this bitch because lesbians are too hung up on her!

#5… Honestly, I don’t know many HOT openly gay or bi black women in hollywood. And that’s sad. But, one chick makes the cut! Ms. Draya from Basketball Wives of LA. She is openly bisexual and she is fucking HOT! She has lots of haters on her show because the hoodrats on there are jealous of her body! She is a hot chick! And she likes the ladies! Yeah, she has a troubled past.. But, doesn’t everyone!?!? We all got issues. But, Draya don’t let those ugly fat hoodrats on BWLA get you down! Do your thang! And work it out! Go Draya!

#4… Another L Word chick… I thought she was kinda fat on the show but seeing her in other stuff now I have to put her on this list. Kristanna Loken. Another Bi hoe. But, she is sexy as fuck! And I just wish she wasn’t fat on the L Word. She is much hotter now! Granted, I won’t throw her out of bed by any means! I just wasn’t a fan of hers on The L Word.

To me this is her HOTTEST PIC!!!!!

#3… Now, she is a little butch for me! But, She is still hot! And heard she is cool in person! So, I have to give her points here. Her name is Michelle Rodriguez! I am not a huge fan of hers either… But, she is the hottest thing out there now that’s out! She also “claims” she is bisexual… When we all know girlfriend is a LESBIAN!!!!! She is also cute when she is a femme. Can’t do the butch thing! I’ve also already featured her in my blog before… So, she is only getting two pics here!

#2… Probably the HOTTEST bi girl out there now! Who is out of control with her bi-ness at the moment?! She is humping women in stage. Talking about how much she likes girls. Touching strippers in clubs! It’s RIHANNA!!!!!!

Here are some of her latest bisexual antics….

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/news/rihanna-in-trouble-for-touching-strippers-2370590.html

And here is a video with her giving a female reporter a lap dance on stage… And the reporter liked it!!!

http://bossip.com/476540/hi-rihanna-rih-rih-bumps-and-grinds-with-a-female-newspaper-reporter-on-stage-at-her-show-in-london-43081/

And now here are pics of RiRi. She is so damn hot!!! I am glad she is an out! And from her actions now… I think she is more than a 2 Beer Queer… I think if she wasn’t famous she would actually date a woman for real!

I think RiRi and Megan Fox would make a hot couple… http://articles.nydailynews.com/2009-12-09/gossip/17941997_1_megan-fox-rihanna-assassin

Of course, I like RiRi better with longer her! And her body is looking TIGHT now too!

#1… And finally my NUMBER ONE!!!  The HOTTEST LESBIAN around right now! I haven’t seen hotter than her on the Hollywood scene. Or.. In the Clubs… OR even on TV! She is an OUT lesbian that also had a HOT girlfriend! She breaks all stereotypes. She is a total rising star and she can actually ACT too! I LOVE HER!!! It’s AMBER HEARD!!!!

She was the lead actress on The Playboy Club on NBC. The show got canceled.. But, she still got attention from it. And she is OUT! And hot! And a lesbian! I loves it! And honestly, I think she is getting better looking now… As she gets older she is getting hotter and hotter….

There are just so many pics of her… She is insanely hot! Totally beautiful!

She is hot as a blond or brunette. Not many people can do that!

And here are pics of Amber with her Girlfriend. Granted, her girlfriend is NOT my type. But, she is still attractive and that’s impressive in the Hollywood lesbian community!

I don’t know what is going on with this hat tho…….

Without the hat, her girlfriend has a beautiful face now. She must model too!

And finally for honorable mentions…

Chely Wright. She is cute and already featured in this blog therefore she only gets one pic now. She is also an out lesbian!

Jodie Foster. Why didn’t she make the top 10?? Well, she is getting old now and she is also on everyone’s lesbian hot list! I had to be different here. She is also a lesbian and “kinda” out! She doesn’t talk about being gay.. But, we all know it! And she openly dates women!

And finally… Queen Latifah. She is “kinda”out now. So, we can add her to this list. She is like Jodie Foster out now. I don’t really do BBWs. But, she has a beautiful face and she is QUEEN LATIFAH! Can’t keep her off this list! Here is Queen talking about the women she likes now… http://s2smagazine.com/stories/2011/08/queen-latifah-warns-against-too-much-t-and?page=1

BTW, I have already featured Queen Latifah in this blog… She is only getting one pic now!

But, this list is sad for the sistas now!!? Because so many of us are not out!

Alicia, Ciara, Debbie Allen, Da Brat, Eve, Missy, Eva Pigford, Jada etc etc… Why won’t you ladies come out and help the community now!??! I want diversity in Hollywood. I want to see someone like me on screen that’s out and proud. Why can’t we have that now!?!?! Why don’t I have any role models?!?!? I guess… I just have to do it myself! I’ll be out and proud for all my sistas now! I just wish one sista would come out as bisexual at least… geez. Because we all know there has to be some HOT gay sistas in Hollywood too besides RiRi!

Ok Blog Readers… What do you think of my list of hottest out lesbian/bi women in Hollywood?!?! Anyone you want to add to my list? Speak up now! … Which I know you will! LOL!

That’s right! I am going to call all of us out! I am a sista and I love my people. But, WHAT IS WRONG WITH US!??!?!!? Seriously.

I consider myself somewhat normal. I take my time in terms of dating… We meet one night. I get your number. I might text you the next day just to say I enjoyed meeting you and I hope we can meet up soon. I like to schedule  my dates. Set aside some time to meet a few days later. Keep it chill. Just drinks an take it from there. And if it goes well… Schedule another time to meet.

I have met quite a few cute and attractive feminine sistas recently. So, I am excited and I want to see where things go! And I try to keep it chill…. But, then bitch gets CRAZY!!!!

Here’s how it usually starts…..

1. We meet at a bar.

2. We make out.

3. We exchange numbers.

4. And then I get 40,000 texts from different numbers because bitch doesn’t have a phone and/or is borrowing someone’s phone to call me. And then bitch calls 24/7 asking me  to come over in the middle of night, “how I am doing?” and/or just to be annoying as fuck!  OR… They  just say inappropriate things to me over text after the first meeting now.

Here are the Crazy Sistas Texts examples:

“Can I see you tits?”  My answer… No.

“Text me a picture of you!” Why? There is facebook, twitter, etc. If you want to see a picture of me  just go motherfucking online!

“Can you come see me in New Jersey tonight? It’s only 3am!” Ummmm.. I just met you boo I am not going all the way to NJ to see you in the middle of the night when I DON’T know you just to get raped. No, Thank You.

“I like you but you are a Leo and Leos scare me therefore we can just meet and have fun and/or hook up if you want” … You are not interested in me because of my astrological sign! But, you still want to fuck me! Are you kidding me!??! Even if I wanted to sleep with you… That’s a major turn off!

Honestly, I don’t know what is going on with our lesbian community. Black lesbians can’t just be chill. Please do not text me 40,000 times about hanging out! We just met! Just chill out! And the biggest thing that bothers me is that we, sistas, don’t have PHONES!!! It is 2011. Everyone should have a fucking cellphone. Get Metro PCS. Buy monthly card. Something. Please. Don’t call me from random numbers when you are  out at the club. The worst is when a chick is out  partying at a LOUD bar and its 1am and you are calling me from some strangers phone trying to meet up with me and I can’t even hear you to make the plans. NOR can I even call you back because you borrowed that phone?!?! Get it together sistas! Get it together!!!!

I would love to date a sista but everyone I have met recently has been crazy. I have even tried online dating with the same result. Black women get OBSESSED With me. I am not even bragging here! And I am not even that good of a catch… Seriously. I am a struggling artist that’s scared to death of relationships and commitment. I have ISSUES but at least I admit it! hahahahah AND… I am not a player. I am fun. I am chill. But, I think I demand a certain level of respect. I don’t have time for games or shady bitches. If I like you.. I go after you!

And I think black women get obsessed with me because…..

1. I am feminine attractive black lesbian that only dates feminine women (there are not many of us that exist in the black gay community).

2. I am single. Yes, there are a few other black feminine lesbians that like other feminine women but they are also not SINGLE. They are boo’d up!

3. I am smart, cute, fun, and over the age of 25. How many smart, cute, and fun women that are still single over the age of 25???

4. I am not obese. I have a pretty nice body. Now, that I have lost 15 pounds. I am way more fly.

5. I have good style. I take time with my looks.

6. I do not U-haul. I don’t press a bitch and I guess this makes chicks want me more.

7. I am not shady.

8. I have a phone!

9. I have ambition and  dreams. I am just not sitting around on my ass now.

10. I am not a “nuts and berries” and/or ghetto chick. I am not a typical bo-ho black lesbian. I have a trendy style. I think my style sets me apart from the community.

And honestly, what I have seen from the black community there isn’t much to select from now. You have three types. U-haul chicks. Ghettos. Nuts and Berries.

Nuts and Berries only date other Nuts and Berries. So, if you aren’t some bo-ho black chick that has a stick  up her ass because she is always fighting “the man”… You ain’t getting in that pussy. Nuts and Berries bitches are annoying anyway…. Obsessed with Mother Africa. Spoken Word. Natural Fibers. And Fighting for “our people.”  Bitch, you were born in the US and you don’t really know anything about living in Africa. You are about as African as the white girl standing next to you!  And your Always trying to fight the struggle and that’s great… But, you can have fun too?!?! Stop taking shit so seriously!  It’s like calm the fuck down… The world is not ending tomorrow! The mass incarceration of the black man is always going to be there. So, getting a drink one night isn’t going to change that or hurt your cause…  Just Annoying fucking bitches! And they truly hate me… It’s all good tho. I can handle my own with them! I am a liberal educated sista that works for “The Man!” LOL! And these bitches are always vegan and some shit.. So, Don’t take them out to eat! Picky motherfuckers about their food and eating shit “from the man!”

U-haul chicks are never single. So, that’s out. I hate them too. Jumping from bitch to bitch. Calm down and be alone for a minute. Can you handle that?

And Ghettos… Are just ghetto?? And I don’t really fuck with that! I am not going to fight over some hoe. Ghettos are always quick to get physical with someone and have tons of ex and baby daddy/momma drama! That’s not for me. And ghettos usually date other ghettos anyway. I love checking out a fly ghetto chick but she won’t fuck with me. Why? 1. I am not butch. 2. I am not ghetto.

So, if you don’t fit into one the three categories where do you go?!?!! You become desperate and pressed to meet someone different than the three types. So, when sistas meet me they get PSYCHO and press me because they don’t know when they will find another bitch like me again. It’s the truth.

So, I don’t fault the black sistas for texting me 40,000 times. I understand their pain… But, if they want to get in my panties that is NOT the way to do it! Folks don’t have to play games but they can be chill. They can be real. They can just be NORMAL. Feel me?!?!

I just want a sista to be normal…. So, you want the secret to getting into the panties…. Are you sure you can handle it?!?!

Here it is…

1. We meet at a bar, restaurant, online, anywhere  (if you are fly!)

2. We make out.

3. We exchange numbers.

4. I text you the next day to meet for a drink soon.

5. You text me back IMMEDIATELY to tell me your schedule and set a day and time to meet up.

6. I text you back with a location.

7. We meet.

8. We drink.

9. We have fun. And you are not crazy complimenting every five seconds with cheesy lines asking to see my tits. You are just having a good time. And we are connecting….

10. We step and repeat for a few weeks.

11. And then you are finally getting in these panties!

It’s pretty simple. No Drama. No Games. Just keeping it chill.  Can Sistas handle that?!!?

No, I don’t want to U-haul.

No, I don’t want a woman that’s 800 pounds. I can’t do BBWs, sorry.

No, I don’t want a butch chick.

No, I don’t want you texting me 40,000 times after we just met one night at bar/club/etc.

No, I don’t want to travel to NJ in the middle of night to meet you.

No, I am not cool with you dropping me because of my astrological sign.

No, I don’t want ghettos.

No, I am not going to text you naked pics of myself.

No, I am not going to have entire hour long conversations over text with you.

No, I am not cool with you grabbing me inappropriately   while we are out.

No, I am not cool with “lines” like “Baby, I need to take you in!”

No, I am not cool with “Show me your tits, please! I just want to suck on those nipples!” … Bitch, I just met you  let’s have some mystery here!  Maybe if your good… I’ll show them to you later! But, we are at the club and you need to calm down!

No, I am not happy that you don’t have a phone!

Listen… I am ALL for a one night stand. I get some of these sistas just want me for that but if you want to fuck me even for one night. CHILL OUT! Don’t try to grab my tits on the dance floor. Don’t try to pull down my shirt in front of everyone. Don’t walk in the bathroom on me and try to fuck me. That’s not going to win you points. You wanna fuck me… CHILL THE FUCK OUT!!!!  Be coy. Be cute. Be fucking CHILL! You want me to come over to NJ.. Let’s meet in the city first for a drink and then if your cool maybe I’ll come home with you. I am all for causal sex… But, calm it down. And the chicks may start saying they want “causal sex” but then they text me a million times asking me for more shit…… So, their actions don’t just say causal sex… .They say psycho bitch!

Sistas… I know it’s hard out there but we need to get it together. I am not saying that white chicks are better. I have had my share of crazy bitches lately from all races but at least the other folks hide their crazy a little bit longer than my own community. Just be chill. Be normal. And don’t fucking stress. And get a damn PHONE!!!!!!!!!!