Powerless.

What is power? I believe “power” is being your own boss. Doing what you want to do. Not having to answer to anyone. Living your own life. I believe money gives you power.

I realized today that right now in my life I have no power. Being broke. Living paycheck to paycheck. Not being able to do what you want in life gives you no power. I can’t go where I want. I can’t travel. I can’t hit up the spots I want. I can’t dress the way I want. I just can’t do the things I want to do now!

I really have no say in my life in all aspects. Women control my thoughts and feelings. I am always  getting heartbroken, tossed aside, and/or just dealing with some bitch. In my work, I always have a boss that I am catering to and needing for my survival now. I don’t mind answering to a client. That’s fine because it’s an equally powerful situation. But, when you are always the assistant and never able to really make a business decision for yourself… You feel pretty powerless. You feel pretty useless. You feel pretty damn pathetic.

I feel pretty pathetic in my life now. I have all these projects. All these things. Still left unfinished. And when I do finish one of them… It’s seems I still have to do 10 more revisions! It also seems it’s still never good enough and I have to go back and change shit. My reality show concept is done… Just to have to go back and revise shit after speaking with MTV and A&E. I spent a year… shooting, editing, and developing my reality show and now I have to go back and do shit all over again! SOOO FRUSTRATING! And when I am going to find the time now between my other side projects, full time work, and actually trying to have a social life?!?!?!

I guess I am just frustrated in my daily life. I feel powerless in my career. Powerless in my dating life. And powerless in terms of my money. Nothing in my life seems to be growing or moving forward. I think money hinders my power. I think not  having  money overall makes me powerless. Not being able to afford my own NICE place yet… Translates into me not getting ass yet. Not having money hinders me in trying to get my own projects going….. Can’t pay for anyone to edit my shit. Can’t pay for anyone to shoot my shit. I have to do it all myself. And that takes time. Takes energy. Takes my power.

I don’t feel I have any power in my life now. So, I guess that’s why I feel the need to escape all the time. I feel this need to get out of my head on a constant basis and not deal with the reality. The reality that my life isn’t going anywhere and I can’t control anything around me. The only thing I can control is how I get up in the morning. I don’t even control what I wear because buying clothes requires money. I don’t even control what I eat because buying food requires money. Money controls this life. And I don’t have any of it.

Now, I know I am not the only one that feels this way. Everyone in this life is powerless in some respects. The super rich still have to answer to someone in their personal lives. The super poor have to answer to society. And people like me in the middle have to answer to everyone above and below them. I just wish I had one thing in my life I could control. Maybe this is the reason why I avoid love/relationships/feelings/etc because every time I do fall in love it’s always a powerless situation. Something beyond my control. And I hate not being in control. And I hate losing myself in someone else.

I lost myself with my ex. I am happier as a single bitch now. But, I am still not happy. I am not happy with my career now. I am not happy with my financial situation. I am over not being the ruler of my own land. Sometimes I let the powerless feelings overwhelm me…. So, when the weekend hits… I let go. Let loose and neglect all my responsibilities. Which only makes me feel even more powerless in the light of day. So, then I shame myself. Hate myself. And just continue the same pattern again next weekend.

I am better than most tho…. I still let my dreams guide me. And I get my shit together sometimes. I’ll wake up hung over and edit some shit, pump out a blog, film an event. I know my purpose in life. My purpose is to make tv shows. My purpose is to entertain people. That’s why I was put on this earth. That’s what I was built and made for now. I just wish I didn’t feel so powerless in my path trying to get there.

Everyone in this life is powerless. The universe controls our destiny. Our time. And our lives. But, some people hold more power than others… Rich White People. Being rich and white secures you power in this society. You can demand what you want. Walk into any bar or restaurant and get what you want. You can literally rule the world. But, the rich in general have to answer to the people. The rich have to answer to loved ones. That’s where they give up control. That’s where they become human.

I am always human. Caged in. Locked in by society. Not having a voice. Not being seen. Not being really seen by this world. A black lesbian. The silent of all voices. There are no images of me on tv. There are no real role models in mainstream society. We are a silent community with no power. White men have power. White men rule this world. Black people will never play catch up! And women still earn less than a man in this society now. Gay people are  fighting to get fucking married. So, as a black lesbian. A triple minority. I am forgotten. Hated on. Feared. And Ignored. I am silenced. I am shamed. I am put down. I am nothing. I am truly powerless.

Discrimination lingers around me. Ignorance bleeds into my daily life. I am the most powerless human being. Always an uphill battle. And I guess I am just tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of being ignored. Tired of being me. I want a simple life. I want good things to happen to me. I want luck. I want a break. I never get a fucking break. I never get a chance. I never get anything in this life. I am always fighting one battle and never winning the war in my dating life, in my career, and just living in this fucking society.

Here is the battle of my life:

My dating life is a constant battle between what I want and what I can’t have. Racism stands in the way. And my personality scares the masses. Because I am too strong. I am not powerful. But, I am strong. I am strong from fighting the daily battle that is my life. I just want things to be easy for once. I want things to go my way for once. I want to find love for once. I want to enjoy someone for once. And not have it be a game, or a battle, or a struggle. I want love to be easy. Why can’t have that? I have nothing else in this life. But, why can’t I have that? What can’t I have love?

Love = Zero Points.

My career. I have had some good jobs. I have a stacked resume. I am good at my shit. I am talented. I am smart. I have ideas. Good ideas. I know I can be great. I know I can be better than myself. I know I can be the next Shonda Rhimes. I know I can entertain the masses. But, I just need that break. That opening. That window into the secret world of production. Because I am there. I am ready. I am ready for money. I am ready to be happy. And I am ready for people to enjoy me and the content I can bring to their world. I just want to make people happy. I want folks to escape in my shows. I want people to laugh, cry, and just enjoy their viewing experiences of MY televisions shows, film, books, etc. I want to visually touch people. I want to make people happy. I want to make people think. I want people to escape in the world I created for them!  This is what I want to do in life!  My dreams are my WAR. Bigger than any battle. Bigger than myself.  A constant struggle to be great. I just want that “Green Light!” But, as I age I just feel the clock ticking away at my greatness and then over the years I will be left alone  just fallen, broken, and never truly complete in this life. I have to beat the clock in life. But the clock just keeps on ticking……

Career = Zero Points.

And what is left in my game of life now? Nothing. If I don’t have love and I don’t have a career I have nothing… Yeah, I have friends and good family. But, I have nothing else really  holding me up now. Nothing else having  me win in this life. I don’t have money. I don’t have job security. I don’t have anything to speak for my name. I haven’t accomplished anything in this life yet. The memory of me is nothing at this point…. I am a shell of a human being just walking around trying to wage a war on the the world and trying to get my voice heard now. I am constantly being silenced. Constantly being beat down. Constantly standing alone. I am good at being alone. But, sometimes I want more.

Sometimes I don’t want to walk alone.

Sometimes I don’t want to fight.

Sometimes I want that break.

Sometimes I want what the white people have!

Sometimes I want my grass to be fucking greener.

Sometimes I want my revenge.

Sometimes I want to be fucking happy.

I am tired of being passed over in terms of love. I want to be the chosen one. I am tired of being the better person in relationship having to move on, get over it, and let some nasty cunt get her way all the time. I am tired of being good. I am tired of doing what people say. I am tired of doing what is “Expected of me.” Never rocking that relationship boat. Never speaking out. Just being the perfect ending. The perfect girlfriend. Catering to another at my own expense. I want to be selfish. I want to be cold. I want bitches to run to me and pick me. I am tired of being rejected.  I am tired of being walked on. I am tired of being powerless.

I am tired of being the GREAT assistant. I am tired of being perfect. Being funny. Being compliant. I want to be “the bitch!” I want to tell it like it is. I want to be the boss. I want to run shit. I want to fire people. I want to crush a kids dreams. I want to hold the POWER. I want to be in POWER. I want to rule the motherfucking world. I am over it. I am over being silenced in terms of my sexuality, my looks, my weight, my hair, my everything. I am just over it. I am just over being powerless.

So, how can I change my life now?

There is nothing to do! Society will never love me. I can’t change my color. I can’t change my sexuality. I don’t want to change my gender. So, I just have to deal. Continue dealing with my bullshit. And keep trying to reach my greatness. Keep trying to win the war. Keep trying to beat the odds. Keep just giving up on love. Keep trying to entertain the world. And Keep trying to deal with being me.

Today’s Female TV Characters I would Date, Fuck, and/or Marry in Real Life!

TV Characters I would date, fuck, and/or marry in real life…..

1. I would MARRY Dr. Charlotte King on Private Practice. Why? Because she is sexy, cool, fun, and great in bed. She is also the perfect mix of  being strong and compassionate. She comes off tough/bitchy/cold but she is really a softy and has a big heart. Charlotte also always gives a GOOD dose of tough love! But, she loves unconditionally. Super loyal to her man. Very deep. Gives great advice. Loyal also to all her friends. Loyalty is HUGE with me because I am always loyal to a fault. I will stand by my friends and lovers even when they are WRONG. So, when they hurt me and they are disloyal to me it hurts even more because I will stand by a friend until the end…… Charlotte is like my perfect woman. I would love a woman that knows her shit in terms of her career. Has money. Dominant. Strong. But, loving, compassionate, honest, and just fucking real at the same time. She is amazing. Charlotte King,  will you marry me for real. I would NEVER let her go… She is the best!

2. Olivia Pope on Scandal. I would FUCK Olivia Pope. Why? Because Kerry Washington is SOOO HOT!!!! And who doesn’t want to fuck Kerry Washington?!?!?! But, I would not marry Olivia Pope. Because Olivia is married to her job. You would NEVER see that bitch. She is too damn busy saving the world, having an affair with the president, etc. Sometimes I just like to get drunk and chill with a bitch. Olivia doesn’t even have time for a drink and that’s not cool! But, in real life…. I would totally marry Kerry Washington just on her looks alone!

And here is another one for fun!

3. Thirteen on House. Again, Who wouldn’t want to fuck Olivia Wilde? And her character on House was intoxicating! She was playing this hot bisexual, super smart, strong, emotionally unavailable, going to die of Huntington’s disease woman named Thirteen.  Now, Thirteen would be my kryptonite because I have a weakness for unavailable HOT women. I would be all in love with Thirteen wanting to marry her even with the whole “dying” thing but she wouldn’t want me because I would be too “Available” to her. She is the classic “bad girl.” She wants the assholes but she is also an asshole herself. So, she will toss aside a good girl like myself because I would be all on my her! But, I would still want her and be in love! I would marry that girl! Oh well… Guess I am not meant to be with a “bad girl” yet I will still dream about this bitch! BTW, Olivia Wilde was already featured on this blog….. http://jlrransom.wordpress.com/2010/04/22/treat-for-the-day-olivia-wilde/ and http://jlrransom.wordpress.com/2010/04/22/more-olivia-wilde/

4. Helena Peabody on The L Word. I LOVE a HOT rich woman! And Helena is a HOT, rich, and gay woman. She is cold bitch too. A cold rich bitch. But, once she gets to know you and likes you… She is a good friend and a chill motherfucker! I love this hoe. She is smart, sexy, and RICH!!!! She is also a femme top! It’s a rare thing these days….. I could do without her two little kids tho.  BUT, they are usually with her ex therefore it’s all good! Plus, she has GREAT hair!

5. Another chick from the L Word that would probably MARRY is…. Tina. Now, she isn’t the most attractive woman but I have a thing for nice girls that have a backbone. Tina is like wife potential. She is compassionate, sweet, can cook, interesting, smart, loyal, honest, and still kinda cute. She made some mistakes in the past… But, she is still a good chick. I like her. She is like a little puppy dog. I am all about some Tina.

6. I LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. Kalinda from The Good Wife. She is bisexual on that show. She is hot. Totally Tough but still feminine. Sexy. And she is SHADY. Totally SHADY!! She keeps mad secrets. Totally mysterious! Therefore, I could NOT date her… But, I would want to… And then she would drop my ass… And then I would be alone and heartbroken running back to  a “Tina Type”. Kalinda is the kinda of chick you have affairs with now. She is a “back up bitch!” She isn’t main chick. She will never been your wife. You will never date her long term. It would be a passionate situation. Just all passion all the time. She is super dangerous to get involved with and she is completely emotionally unavailable. You could never have anything real with this bitch BUT good sex and some passionate yet crazy situations. I would love Kalinda but she would hate me…. It’s that my life! LOL!

7. Now, I am really over this show. But, I still like this one character. Santana on Glee. The show is ANNOYING now. Very Preachy. And the songs are getting old. But, Santana is still hot. Still sassy. And someone I would totally date now. Couldn’t marry her. She isn’t wife potential. But, she is totally a good time. And she would make a good girlfriend. She is also supposed to be like 16 years old. So, I kinda feel like a child molester for this one. Granted, the actress is like 45 years old or something in real life!

8. Sadly, this character is dead. But, I LOVED her. She was a CRAZY bitch. Totally obsessed with Dexter. Her name was Lily on the show. But, the actress is Jaime Murray. I don’t know if I liked her character all that much and/or if I am just extremely attracted to Jaime Murray and her body. But, I would totally fuck this bitch. Couldn’t date her. Couldn’t marry her. But, I would FUCK her. She is another “affair” chick! Here is some Jaime Murray love in my blog, http://jlrransom.wordpress.com/2011/01/26/treat-of-the-day-the-women-of-spartacus/

9. Keeping with the cable shows. House of Lies featured this new black chick on the scene. Megalyn Echikunwoke. This  bitch is HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT! Like totally hot! And her character. Stripper. Turned college student was the best. I would marry this chick just for hotness levels alone. Her body is pure perfection. And her character on House of Lies was sexy. Confident. And bisexual. We can work with this shit. I love her!

She gets two pictures because she is new bitch on the scene and because she is so damn HOT!

10. And finally…. One of my favorites who has featured in this blog before, http://jlrransom.wordpress.com/2011/03/24/treat-of-the-day-the-hot-and-sexy-carla-gugino/ . Carla Gugino on Californication. She was so sexy as his tough TOP lawyer. She was the only bitch that kept Hank in check. She didn’t get caught up in his bullshit. She didn’t fall in love with him. She just fucked him and kept it simple. I loved this bitch! I would marry this character. Why? Because she is smart, sexy, and just fucking cool.

11. Kristen Bell as Veronica Mars. I would totally date, marry, fuck that bitch. She was smart, fun, sarcastic, dark, super intelligent, and a just “ride or die” bitch! You marry Ride or Die bitches! Also, I LOVE her on House of Lies. She is fantastic as Jeannie on House of Lies. A career obsessed, dark, and complex bitch. She is also really into free sex and being a TOP! I love a femme top! I just wish she as bisexual or gay…. Damn! I wouldn’t marry Jeannie if she were gay tho. Why? Because she is NOT ready to get married yet and I don’t even know if she believes in marriage. We would have an open situation.    Kristen Bell has already been featured on this blog too, http://jlrransom.wordpress.com/2010/05/18/more-2010-female-hotties/! But, I’ll still give her a quick pic and shout out now.

Jeannie on House of Lies.

Veronica Mars. A true and ride or die chick.

12. Jeri Ryan on Body of Proof. I would marry that bitch. Why? She is running shit on that show. Good at her job. Smart. Sexy. Compassionate. Older. And still tough. She needs a bigger role on that show. She just has that quiet confidence and that shit is SEXY. That shit is HOT. That’s why I love her!

13. Shay Mitchell aka Emily Fields on Pretty Little Liars. I would totally DATE her. Why? She is hot. She is already an out lesbian in high school. She just seems nice. I don’t care for the whole jock/sporty side of her and the fact she has some killer aka “A” after her and her friends. But, she is a cool chick. Dresses nice. And is totally sweet. Very girlfriend potential.

14. Ok… This is a weird one but I kinda have a thing for Patty Hewes on Damages. She is SOOO shady. SOO mean. And totally emotionally unavailable. OBSESSED with her job. But, her ass is RICH. She is an old rich bitch. I don’t even think she will be that good in the bedroom. But, she would run my shit. I want some bitch to keep in check. She can be my master! She could totally DOM my ass inside and outside of the bedroom. You don’t fuck with Patty Hewes. And if you DID fuck her over….She won’t yell at you. But, she will cut you down so quick… You wouldn’t even know what hit you. You always gets her revenge. Trust me.

15. Megan Hilty aka Ivy on Smash. Now, I hate Smash. I find the show kinda annoying. Yet I keep watching it. I HATE Katharine McPhee on that show. She is like this Disney character. Only has one note. Always the happy-go-lucky little bird that is scared and trying to find her way on the “mean streets” of New York. But, Megan on this show. Has depth. Has a great singing voice. And I like that she is a thick bitch. She is carrying this show for me. Yeah, she can be a bitch. She willing to do anything to get what she wants! But, she is also compassionate, vulnerable, and wears her  heart on her sleeve. She is insecure about a lot of things but most actresses are this way now. So, I would date this bitch. Don’t know if I could marry Megan. But, she would make a good girlfriend for sure! She is a sexy bitch and she can SANG!!!!!!

And that’s it so far guys…. Hopefully some new bitches will arrive in Summer and Fall 2012 that might be able to add to my list now.

You can find pics of most of these women listed here on this blog too, http://jlrransom.wordpress.com/2011/08/09/people-i-would-fuck/

Until next time….

Why Lesbians Are Fat: I like Paper Bitches.

Today is Monday and  I am motherfucking hung over! Why? Because I partied out all night on Saturday and then I turned it around and went back to my “roots” on Sunday night.  I started with brunch with friends. Where we discussed our “Dating” lives. We talked about dating “BIG” women and dating “skinny bitches.” We discussed the different styles of sex between skinny hoes and “more to loves.”

Did you know that black skinny bitches tend to be “tops” but black “more to loves” are EXTREME bottoms?!?!? I did not know this… I also don’t fuck big women.

This discussion and a WHOLE bunch of cocktails later led me to check out a lesbian spot last night with another friend of mine……

I have been out in the lesbian scene for about 2 months now. I needed a nice long break. So, it felt good to be back. It felt good to be admired again. I didn’t really dress up for the night. Just threw on my grey hat, a pair of ripped jeans, and a “tit flattering top!”  I was also wearing flats, so clearly I was not looking to meet anyone and/or really talk to people. BUT, I was starting to get a little insecure lately… So,  being one of the hottest bitches in the room and having chicks trying to holla at me all night kinda made me feel back to normal again. One chick came up to me… “you have are so pretty, you have a beautiful face.” And then proceeded to ask for my phone. Put her number in it and walk away. That was pretty cool!

And as I was looking around the lesbian room….. The party was super packed and pretty mixed. White girls. Spanish Girls. Butch. Femme. Black Chicks. etc….. I was just watching the dynamics of people closely because lately I have been in the “high end” straight scene. I have been with girls that are just DONE every time they step out on the scene. Heels. Dresses. Short skirts. Long Hair. TIGHT bodies. Manicured Nails. Like these straight bitches look like perfection. And when they go out.. They go OUT!!!  So, to be back with the sloppy and “regular” lesbians was a huge switch for me.

And I noticed a BIG trend in my observations…..

I noticed that most of the white girls were pretty thin (not all of them by ANY means) BUT 90% of them didn’t know how to dress. And I noticed the sistas could dress a little bit better BUT 90% of them were BIG and after my brunch conversation this got me really thinking here. I started to reflect on the “high end” straight scene…. And you would BARELY see a fat bitch in the place! It’s a huge switch!

So, when I got up this morning to check my daily websites.. I saw this article on NYtimes.com called “Why Black Women are Fat”….http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/06/opinion/sunday/why-black-women-are-fat.html?_r=2&src=me&ref=general

This article is basically about how Black Women have been taught to view that “big is beautiful and that being obese is ok!” I am from a small town in Michigan. Surrounded by white people. Therefore, I did not adopt this “black standard of beauty.” Sadly, I  adhere to the “white standard of beauty” which only holds  praise, recognition, and attractiveness for thin and emaciated looking women. I am a Size 8. I am not a big girl. But, I am not a small bitch either… Therefore, I don’t even live up to my own standard of beauty and this makes me insecure at times.

Honestly, I do know that the black community loves some curves, thickness, and a big butt. So, I agree with the article “Why Black Women Are Fat” but I just don’t practice this way of thinking now. Therefore, I think this is the reason why I haven’t dated a single  black woman in my entire life and this is also why I have such trouble dating in the lesbian scene.

So, why are black lesbians fat?

Why are most lesbians fat in general?

Why can’t we learn to take of ourselves???? Straight women (in general) got this lock…. Always tight. Right. On Point. Why can’t lesbians do the same?!!

*************

Now I am going to break it down now. I am tell you why all lesbians are fat bitches!

1. We don’t take care of ourselves. When people come out as gay they think they can just be a sloppy mess. They think “oh I am gay” I don’t have to deal with straight norms anymore. I can just roll out of bed and go to the bar. I can eat and entire chocolate cake for dinner and wash it down with a 2-liter bottle of coke.  I don’t have to go to the gym.  I can just be a hot mess now because “I AM A WOMAN and I like WOMEN! I don’t need to be like the straight scene! Women will love me for me because women are more about the “connection” and NOT about looks!” Women are ALL about looks. If lesbians weren’t about looks… we wouldn’t be dealing with so much racism now! The lesbian community is SUPER racist yet they don’t care about fat bitches….  I don’t get it!  I really want to know who started this “I am a woman and I like to fuck women therefore I can be 8,000 pounds” rule. It must be some OLD ugly 8,000 pounds white lesbian…. Because I am sorry but that is a bunch of BULLSHIT! Just because you are gay doesn’t give you the right to look like a trash can! Being 200 pounds is NOT cute. I am sorry but I have NO desire to lift up your fat ass in the bedroom. I have enough of a tough time dealing with a skinny bitch… But, adding on some extra rolls is just too much!! Just the image of all that flabby loose skin flopping around while I am “hitting it” from behind is GROSS! I don’t want to have to DIG to find your pussy. Layers upon layers of fat is just nasty, unattractive, and not healthy. But, for some reason in the name of “female empowerment” this gives lesbians the excuse to NOT work out, take care of their bodies, and to be lazy bitches.

I am sorry but there is nothing EMPOWERING about being a fat bitch. There is nothing EMPOWERING with not being able to wear a sexy bikini or looking like a doughnut. There is nothing EMPOWERING about risking heart disease and just being a lazy bitch. There is nothing EMPOWERING in trying to fuck a fat bitch that just lays around enjoying her rolls! I don’t know how this “fat standard” of beauty got it’s way into the lesbian community. Maybe we are trying to be like straight dudes too much? We took all those CBS sitcoms featuring the dutiful hot wife vs the fat hardworking male a little too seriously now. We need to stop this madness. Fat does NOT equal women’s rights. I am sure Gloria Steinem doesn’t believe your rolls are the embodiment of the women’s liberation movement. So, get off this shit. Stop excusing your fatness. You are just a lazy bitch. And this has NOTHING to do with women’s rights!

2. The Black Standard of Beauty. I think “Why Black Women Are Fat” is on the right track here. And her views are not only a reflection of the straight community but they also bleed into the lesbian community as well. 90% of black lesbians are fat. It’s a fact. I don’t get it. I don’t know why find black folks find fatness and rolls attractive but that’s just how it is. So, this is a MAJOR reason why I don’t date black women. I can’t get with the rolls. You don’t have to be SUPER thin (even tho I seriously like SUPER thin). But, you can be an average chick. Average meaning MY weight. But, I can’t fuck with you if you are bigger than a Size 8. I am sorry. And black lesbians not only fall for the black standard of beauty but they also have that EMPOWERING bullshit mixed in their heads. So, they are even BIGGER than the BIGGEST straight black chick. It’s quite impressive. I think some of the most obese women in the United States are black lesbians. Black lesbians are HUGE! I think their fatness would crush me in the bedroom. I can see it now. “Here lies Jessica… Death by fucking a black chick!” She would suffocate me! Plus, is sex really that good when you are THAT big?? How can you move around the bedroom? How can you try new shit? I think this is a BIG reason why big black women are bottoms. It’s take a lot of work to be a top. We have discussed this is previous blogs. To be a top… You need to be in shape. You need to be toned. You need to have STAMINA! Because bitches take a LONG time to orgasm. And you gotta do that voodoo magic shit to get a bitch off now. So, if you are 8,000 pounds… You can’t be moving very much therefore  your ass is going to be a bottom. Clearly if you are 8,000 pounds you don’t have much motivation to do anything anyway…. So, topping would NOT be for you. You would rather just lay your fat ass down and let the skinny bitch like myself do all the work. Um no. I have no desire to cater to a fat lazy bitch. Get your ass to the gym. Put in some work. And then fuck me. I don’t have time for that shit. Get your fat ass UP and fuck me!!!!

3. Relationships. Lesbians  get LAZY when they are in relationships. And since most lesbians are either coming or going from relationship to relationship this is a REAL problem!  Lesbians become like best friends with their partners and they start to literally EAT each other and everything around them. They just sit at home all the time and eat, eat, and eat (and not in the GOOD way!). Lesbians get comfortable in relationships. Don’t feel the need to dress up OR Hit the gym. They go back to that “empowering shit”….”Oh we are women don’t have to deal with the straight norms and  we don’t have to work to keep the sexiness in the relationship. We can just get fat. Get lazy and fat.” I did it. I was a size 4 when I started dating my ex. I had a flat stomach. I was pretty toned. I was about 120-125 pounds at 5’4”. I looked fucking good. I used to wear bikini tops to the bar. Show my body off at all times. My body was fucking sick! Flash Forward  3 1/2 years: I am now 145 pounds and a size 8. I was a size 10 during the last year of our relationship. I gained about 30 pounds in total from that relationship…. I was the typical lesbian SLOB. Now, my straight friends… Don’t do this shit. Women know that they have to keep it tight if they want to keep their man. Because straight women are EVIL…. And bitches are always waiting to steal some dick. So, straight women live at the gym. Now… Lesbians… Lesbians will still fuck a fat bitch. So, your girlfriend can be 8,000 pounds and I am sure that some shady bitch at the Cubby Hole (a dive lesbian bar here) will still want to fuck your boo.   Straight women know that nobody wants to fuck a fat hoe. Lesbians live for the fat shit. So, why did I lose weight after my ex? Why am I going to the gym now? Why am trying to lose more weight? Because I didn’t like myself at a size 10. I didn’t like my looks. So, not liking me or my looks got me even less pussy…. And that’s not cool. So, that’s why I am a Size 8 now.

5. Coming out. This goes back to the “empowering shit”…… There must have been some white ugly woman that was 8,000 pounds back in the day  like the 1800s and some shit that was trying to date men and realized she couldn’t get dick therefore she decided to start dating women. And she realized she could get pussy, lots of pussy. So, she made up some type of rule and/or started this phenomenon that “if you can’t get dick being a fat bitch… you can go gay!” She started to spread this little secret AND now the lesbian community is full of ugly fat hoes. I know its wrong for me to say this as a lesbian… But, it feels this way sometimes. It feels that some of these obese women aren’t really gay but they are just playing gay to feel loved and to get ass. Because you know some of these hoes would NOT be able to handle the straight scene. That’s all I am saying…..

6. And finally…...Butch Lesbians.  I think butch lesbians want to be men and gaining a ton of weight helps with that shit. They feel more powerful being a BIG chick! Because it gives them size. Again, butch lesbians are also on that empowering shit… They think because they want to be men that they don’t have to actually take care of themselves. They can just let the rolls flow. They are very 50s mentality with that shit. Wanting the little woman to work, cook, clean, and keep it tight for them when they (the butch) can barely bring themselves to be a true TOP in the bedroom. Being fat doesn’t help with your sex life. How can you try new shit if you can’t move? How can you experiment with new toys or fuck your bitch right when you can’t even do anything without a McD’s hamburger in your hand!?? Put the burger down. Hit the gym.

Honorable mention: I also think some lesbians are Depressed because the lesbians scene is so horrible that they eat to just eat away their problems. They use food to make themselves comfortable and happy …..Basically they use food as a coping mechanism.

In conclusion, I am just tired of our community making excuses for ourselves. Being fat is not empowering or sexy. Being obese can kill you. It’s the SECOND most preventable death in the country right now.  Also, you NEVER hear skinny bitches yelling that “Big is beautiful.” It’s only the fat bitches proclaiming that shit! SERIOUSLY! Lesbians need to stop fooling around now. I know my weight standards are  a bit extreme. I feel I am fat now. I don’t feel super attractive at a Size 8. I know I am not GROSS because I still get numbers but I don’t feel HOT anymore. I used to get way more digits as a skinny bitch (i.e. a Size 4). I feel cute now tho. Also, I might be too strict in terms of weight with my dating partners. My ex was a Size 2. My ex before that a Size 4. Every chick I have ever been seriously into, dated, and/or wanted has been pretty petite/tight/toned. I will fuck an average bitch like myself but my heart always belongs to the anorexic bitches with SMALL tits. I love a good emaciated  bitch. I like it when bitches clothes just hang on them like a coat rack. I love it when my bitches have nothing to hold on to in the bedroom and they just slip thru my fingers like paper! They are basically paper…. Meaning they are so thin that they could blow away like a piece of paper in the wind. I love a good skinny hoe.  I like Paper bitches. Basically, I have an anorexic model fetish. LOL!  Super Tall, Thin, Long Hair. Done. Done. And Done.

On the real…. I am NOT that bad in terms of weight. I do like a little bit of meat. But, I do prefer for my women to stay in the 2,4,5,6 range. Size 8 is a MAX for me. And a size zero isn’t that attractive to me.  If you are any bigger than a size 8…. And you are still hot… I would fuck you. But, I would probably drop you for the skinny size 2 bitch coming up right beside your fat ass. I basically like the typical bougie straight girl. A girl that hits the gym that has a nice stomach, toned legs, and tight butt. I am not a breast girl. I could give a shit about big tits. I enjoy a nice handful, thats about it. Big Tits. Are just Big damn tits. What am I going do with all that shit?!?! I don’t even like doing breast play that much. I do it for my partner. But, it doesn’t turn me on. Breasts  are like “whatever” to me! But, people LOVE my breasts because they are big and perky! And it’s fine…. You can suck on them. But,  Give me some nice legs and a toned stomach! I love a long hip and torso too!

I think would date a black woman if she was not obese. I love my sistas. I find black women super attractive. I just can’t do the rolls. I need my bitch to be toned. Sorry. A chick hit on me last night. She was cute. She was tall. She was a bougie bitch. But, she was a size 10. I don’t know… Maybe its the Michigan in me. Maybe it’s my inner white girl. Maybe I am just a picky bitch. Either way, I just love Paper bitches!

This Drug….

Disclaimer: Warning….. It’s a little “much” and intense it’s a DAMN good blog if I say so myself! HA!

This Drug……..

I am hooked on you like a drug.

Addicted.

Euphoria races over me in your presence. Making me weak. Making me intoxicated.

I tremble at the sight of you. Longing for you to infect my body.

It’s not normal. It’s too soon. It’s a dance.

It’s dance on my lips. It’s a dance on my fingertips. Wanting just to taste you.

Pulling you closer to my body but still somewhat out of your reach. You Tease me. I hate it. I want you.

I can’t beat this craving of you. I am in a trance.

Excitement always quickens my pulse. Being around you… I just don’t know what to do.

I am hooked.

I am addicted.

I am high.

Willpower please take now. I can’t hold back. I can’t take this tease.

But, its too soon. It’s too quick. It’s too much.

Will this high last forever?

I just can’t be here forever. This drug can not take me.  I just need her between my thighs. I need her lips pressed inside of me. I need her body in my arms. I need to feel her wetness. I need taste to her excitement. I need to feel her drug. I need to feed her addiction. I need her to want me.

But, I can’t risk this high. I am scared of this high. I am scared of this desire.

Rejection follows every corner. I don’t know if this drug is going to take. I want her to take.  I want this to be my abuse. I’m scared.

I just can’t.

I just won’t.

I  just don’t know.

Uncertainty is haunting me. I can’t see myself from the ashes of this smoke. Why won’t she take me? Why won’t she  have me? Why won’t she stop this disease? Just give me a sign besides secret notes and passing hellos.

Because I am hung up. Caught up. Messed up. Infected.

This drug. This drug of her…..

Embodies Creativity. Strength. Sexiness. Power. Intelligence. Gracefulness.

This drug. This drug of her….

Has me dancing. Has me writing. Has me crazy. Crazy trying to figure it all out.

I don’t get this drug. And yet she keep drawing me back in. Leaving me just to linger in uncertainty.

This drug. This drug of her….

Comes with a Warning.

This drug. This drug of her…

Leaves me feeling insecure.

Ups and Downs. Ups and Downs.  I am still on this ride. Still riding this high. Still intoxicated by her.

This drug. This drug of her….

Is passion. Is sexy. Is inescapable.

I want it. I want her. I want this drug. How bad do I want it?

*******

Drinking in the drug of her makes me eager with delight. My affections ache to rest her body against me. Motionless, our hearts beat synchronized with time. I want to feel her nipples between my lips and I softly plant my palms around her buttocks. I want to stroke her smooth thighs. I ache to press my lips over her stomach, kissing her over and over again reveling in the quivering of her  defined body. I want to taste the tantalizing aroma of her cunt. Breathe in the scent of her. A slow moan leaves her lips. Dizziness flowing through  her.. I lick and suck the tender lips of her cunt. Making her wet with desire. I slide my hands between her sweet and succulent pussy. Just tasting her. Fucking her. Weaving in and out. I reach for my dick. Lift her hips to me. Slowly drive in eager to watch her cum and feel the power of me between her…. Her body is trembling. Her breasts are jiggling, thrashing around my bed. She climaxes. Opening her eyes she kisses me. She touches me. She aches to make me feel good now. I slowly adjust myself to her. Laying down for her mercy. Letting her take control. As she kisses me slowly and meticulously working her magic over my body. Her hands roam over my curves. Running over the smoothness of my ass. Finding the wetness of my cunt. Relentlessly she dives in… Fucks me. Hard. Deep. Hard. Deep. Never giving in to me. Never stopping. Her tongue flicks my tit while her fingers move in and out of my slick pussy. I lift my hips to meet every thrust. Her mouth releases my nipple and she kisses me hard, her tongue penetrating  my mouth in time with her fingers. I want her. I drink her in… She pulls away to set me free. I climax.

********

But, these wants are only illusions. She is not addicted to me. Have drugs even entered her system?   I am alone left with confusion and just wanting another hit. Another time to chase this dragon.

Will she give into me? Will she follow my desire? Will she let me be her drug?

This drug. This drug of me…

Embodies… Power. Strength. Compassion. Respect. Loyalty. Desire. Intelligence. Fun. Sex. Honor.

This drug. This drug of me….

Will show her some of the best times of her life. Exploring the world together.

This drug. This drug of me…

Is all passion, romance, and connection.

This drug. This drug of me…

Will never leave a track. Standing strong for her.

This drug. This drug of me….

Is life changing, Mind-Altering. And Just FUCKING Amazing. She will never be the same after using me.

This drug. This drug of me….

Is REAL.

I just hope she can get addicted soon. I just can’t take another hit alone.

Self Actualization.

**Disclaimer: This is a depressing one.***

Why do we let people have such power over us?

I was having a simple happy hour drink out in NYC with a friend last night and then she got a text. A text from an ex. And this ex hurt her pretty badly. And then the whole mood of our night changed. It went from fun and chill to dark and depressing in an instant. She was crying at the table… And this text. This AMAZING  text. This text that ruined our entire night  only said….. “Hello.”

So, How did we get there? Why do you we let people effect us so much? How can a person go from being happy and chill one minute to sobbing the next?

I can’t get mad at my friend. I can’t even judge her. I have done the same shit. Just seeing my ex would rock my world. I avoid her at all costs. Seeing a new crush even makes me nervous. Sometimes it’s healthy to get a little angry, upset and/or even nervous around people. But, sometimes it’s just too much and not really appropriate to let people invade our worlds, psyches, auras, and/or personal space that much.

Honestly, I wish I was a stronger human being. I wish I didn’t care. I wish I could runaway from feelings and caring about people because people are flawed, selfish, and don’t really give a damn about anyone but themselves. The true nature of human beings is to be selfish and untrustworthy.  I have been hurt by people many times but this still doesn’t stop me from letting people in and letting them fuck up my emotional happiness and well-being! So, what is wrong with me? Why am I not strong enough? Why don’t I have a “thick-skin” yet? I want to be a bitch. I want to be an asshole. I want to never fall in love again. I want to be a cold bitch. I might runaway from relationships and fear rejection but I am still not a heartless bitch. I am still not “hard” enough!

When you look at the pyramid of Self Actualization….. The theory by Abraham Maslow which states that becoming ‘”fully human,” mature, and/or self-actualized is when all your basic needs (i.e. the bottom of the pyramid) have been met in life and then you can finally reach the top of hierarchy pyramid and be a confident, complete, and whole human being! So, when you have Physiological, Security, Love, and Self Esteem then you can finally be complete person…..  I believe this is reason why I let people make me anxious and/or invade my psyche so much because all my basic needs are NOT met now!

I am somewhat floating between… Safety and Security AND Love and Belonging. I have a place to live. I don’t like it because I want my own place. I would love my own studio or one bedroom downtown Manhattan or a place in West Hollywood. I am over NYC. I am not happy here. I want to start a new life on the West Coast.  But, I have a place to live in NYC. I am employed. I am not at my favorite job. But, I have a job. I have family. They love me.  I have friends. I have a sense of connection with people. I do not have romantic love. I do not have sex. I am not where I need to be in my career yet. I am not happy with my current career situation. I have respect from others. But, I don’t respect my own standing in life now. So, that’s where I fall short…. That’s where I don’t make it to “Self Esteem.” And that’s the reason I am not self actualized and I am still finding myself. I don’t like my life now. I want to be in a better space. So, I guess this is why I let outside forces fuck up my seemingly stable existence.

I was talking to New Chick about being “real” in my writing but possibly not being this way in my real life. I think I am real. I can’t be anyone else here. I am too loud. Too strong. And Too demanding. I can’t be a fake bitch. As a true producer/sales rep and/or very socially astute person, I can  tailor my actions and/or behavior to the world around me. I would be a fool if I didn’t act a certain way in situations. I can’t be talking about fucking girls in the ass at work. I can’t curse out my boss because he pissed me off. I have to be nice. I have to play it cool. I can’t yell at a potential client even when they are WRONG or an ASSHOLE. I have to be chill. I have to be nice. I have this talent of staying cool even when people are attacking me.  It takes a lot to get me upset in general… So, I just lay back and let folks act a fool. I’ll leave a situation before I will lash out at the world. But, when I leave the feelings get bottled up… So, I have to release them. I write. I drink. I hang with friends. I just take myself out of the drama.

But, I think sometimes I need to be more upfront. More “real” with folks. And instead of running to the written world or just bolting from the situation I should stand up for myself more.  NOW… If I get pushed hard enough I will defend myself but I would rather just be cool because I know if I am backed into a corner I can be a pitbull. I can be cruel, mean, and just a bitch. And it doesn’t help the situation. So, I run from it and then deal with the drama at another time.

I think my passive aggressive and still somewhat aggressive nature is why I am a good comedian. Because I can see the faults in the world. And I can’t say it  all the time in real life. I joke about the complexities and the oxymoron  of human nature in “fake life” in my writing, with friends, and just to anyone that will listen. Now, don’t take me for a fool… I have no problem standing up to a stranger or bitching someone out that has WRONGED  me. I always say what I mean! But, I also don’t say EVERYTHING that’s going on in my head. I can hold a lot back. I can be a mystery. I can feel one way and act another. I am a true mix. Aggressive to the outside world. Inwardly passive.

And I am still discovering myself everyday. I think I am more “take it or leave it” now but I am still figuring out the unknown… And this confusion let’s the shady bitches in, this confusion lets my  simple world get turned upside down by hoes, this confusion breaks down my walls and leaves me vulnerable to predators and just evil bitches. Knowing that I am not 100% The Shit… Leaves me open season for emotionally broken people to take advantage of me!

Now, I don’t know if I would have reacted the same way as my friend from a “Hi” text from my ex. I think I am bit stronger than her because I still know my worth in this world. But, I think I would have responded… “Hello” to my ex… And then let her start on her rant. But, I wouldn’t be sobbing at the table and I would take all her words for a grain of salt. I wouldn’t want to rush back to her. Honestly,  I don’t want revenge anymore. WOW! That’s pretty crazy! I finally don’t want revenge. I think she is going to get her payback in this new relationship. I think she will finally feel my pain with her new hoe. I am letting Karma and God do the work here. But, I have let it go, just don’t care anymore,  and I am finally just content living my life.

But, my friend. My friend is still in love with her ex. My friend has low self esteem. I am still developing my self esteem but I know the realities of people and I know some things are just not worth my time. I know where I stand in life. A know my own power. My friend hates her looks. Doesn’t find herself attractive and is holding on to a mirage. A fantasy of a relationship. Holding on to only the good memories of this “perfect” yet “uninterested” and “beautiful” man. She doesn’t see he is using her. She just doesn’t see that “he isn’t that into her.” And  My friend can’t get over the pain. The loss of this beauty. The loss of her first real relationship.  So, she will stay “here.”

I think I am finally moving on from the pain. I am finally not “there” anymore. I have been “there” like my friend. Trust me. I am not above my friend in any way. I may be even go back “there” again…. But, I am working to not repeat my same mistakes now.  And I DON’T want to go back into a relationship with my ex again. I don’t want to have that type of relationship EVER again!  I know seeing my ex will break my pyramid of Self Actualization…… But, I feel I am finally moving on now.

I just have no desire to go back down that road again. I am happy with where my life is headed now because I am becoming my own person. I am discovering so much….. And I do not desire to be the person I was with my ex or  immediately after that situation again. Insecure. Jealous. Sad. Lonely. And Depressed. BUT,   I wish I could be a better person now. A harder person. A stronger person. I don’t want to get hurt again yet Heartache always finds me in life.  I want to toss bitches aside and not care. I want to just move on after a love affair dies and never look back with pain or regret. I never want to look back. I never want to live in the past. I never want to care again. I just wish I could be self actualized….. I wish I didn’t let people in so easily, trust so completely, and feel so deeply. I am ready to climb to the top. I am ready to be fully human. But, I am not. I am lost. I am incomplete. I am a mess. Less than a mess. An unstable mess. And I feel I will never reach my full potential now.

So, this pyramid. This pyramid of life. Maybe I’ll get there one day! Maybe I’ll finally excel at my career. Get my money. Buy my houses. Maybe I’ll feel powerful for once. Maybe I’ll feel like I have accomplished something in my life for once. Maybe this sense of accomplishment will make me happy and transition me from level to level. Maybe I will finally feel whole. Maybe I will finally be self actualized and not just the lost person standing before you now.

I am ready to be free. I am ready to be happy. I ready to love me. Find me. I ready to be self actualized.

Frustrated!

I have been toying with this blog in my mind all morning. The title arrived to me as I was exiting the train… “Sex Me.” But, I didn’t know the direction I should take with this blog now. Should I go “funny” or “serious”… “dark” or just “expressing my true longing for sex”

So, I needed some inspiration and I asked New Chick (My New Muse) now….. And she delivered as usual.. LOL!

I  will discuss my frustrations with Sex at this moment. Because Sex is truly invading my subconscious life at this time. I keep dreaming about sex. Craving it in my sleep. Waking up needing it. Feeling loss in the light of day for not having it.

Maybe I should give some background on me first…..

I was never scared to have sex with men. I was happy to give my virginity away at 19 to some random dude. Still don’t know his name. Moving on…   But, I was TERRIFIED of having sex with women. I felt this pressure to perform, which still haunts me today.  I tried to avoid sex at all costs and my first sexual experience with a woman was truly horrific at 19… She had some abuse issues (for real) and wanted me to do things that I just wasn’t ready for yet in the bedroom. She wanted me to act our her past parental abuse situations in detail. I could do it now. But, I was so fragile at the time. It freaked me out. So, another year went by because I was scared to fuck…. I met “The Hand Specialist.” And The Hand Specialist taught me everything I know today. She was like “you  are doing it all wrong, you need to fuck like this, work like this, etc.” She sat me down. Showed me her tricks. And even joked in the end when I was a “good student” that I would run off and start fucking the world. Well, I did. After she got put in jail for prostitution (see this blog for reference: http://jlrransom.wordpress.com/2012/04/15/stank-pussy/),  I started to embark on my player journey and wanted to try out my new skills on EVERYONE around me. And I did…. I fucked a lot of women. I fucked over 50 women.

For over 6 years after Hand Specialist, I had a continuous string of lovers, one night stands, serious dating situations, girlfriends, and plenty of causal sex. I never lacked for a lover. My entire life I always had someone in my front view or rear view. And Sometimes the  sex experiences were amazing. Sometimes I just didn’t measure up. Sometimes we just weren’t compatible in the bedroom.

After a break up with “The Artist” (which I will get into later in my blogs), I decided to take a break from dating and sex for 6 months. After my 6 month break, I met my ex on the day of my  6 month celibate anniversary! We fucked the first night. We started causally dating. But, our sex life was problematic from the beginning…. I was the “TOP” in every sense. I ran that entire relationship and in the bedroom she was SCARED to top me. So, our sex consisted of her getting fucked by me and then me having to masturbate just to have an orgasm. I never had my lover truly touch me. This went on for 3 1/2 years. She never truly fucked me in 3 1/2 years. The last year of our relationship…. She didn’t want me anymore. She cheated on me with a man. I didn’t cheat. I was faithful. And that was the end of that….. But, her cheating made me feel sexually inadequate  like the 19 year old just starting out again. Because I gave her everything sexually only to get cheating in return.

Another year rolls by… And Nothing. No real interests. No dating situations. No causal lovers. So, that’s 2 years sexless. And then in 2012 I had a causal fling for a month and 1/2 with a med student that had a boyfriend… And that was it. Leading me to now… 3 months. 3 months and celibate.

So, now you have my history… Sex has always been a big part of my life. Sex has always been an issue. Sex has always been a pressure situation. I have slept with a lot of straight women. Straight women think lesbians  are the “goddesses” of sex and I always feel like I have to give them ” The Best Sex Experience” of their lives. And I will be honest I have liked some of the straight chicks that wanted me to be their “goddess” and I didn’t want to lose them and I knew that a “bad” sexual experience could “lose” them… So, that added more pressure into my game. Usually I worked it out. Usually they came back for more. But, it’s still not 100%. There’s no guarantee how you can make someone feel in the bedroom! You have a 50-50 shot! What I didn’t realize in my youth was that the straight women that I “lost” from sex in the past……  I never really had them in the first place! So, my fear of losing a chick because the sex wasn’t “the best” was complete and utter bullshit.

So, where am I now in terms of sex? I guess frustrated.

Frustrated because I can’t have it.

Frustrated with my sex dreams and I will never quite measure up to them!

Frustrated that I feel that the people that I really want don’t want me as much! But, I don’t know if this is true or not true now!

Frustrated that maybe I might be chasing after a mirage of perfection  just to avoid any type of intimacy!

Frustrated I might be wasting my time waiting for sex!

Frustrated that I only get busted chicks on my tip!

Frustrated that I am still dealing with my past!

Frustrated I can’t have what I want when I want it! I am not good at being patient! I like instant gratification! I am all about the moment. Action. Taking Control. Not waiting. I waited for 2 years. I can’t wait that long again. 3 months might lead to another 2 years again….. I am scared. Worried. And Frustrated.

AND I am  Frustrated that I am not having fucking SEX!!!!!!!

I only have a few good hot years left, my ass is getting old…… I need to start fucking soon! Frustration continues…..

But, my frustrations are in vain because I COULD have sex if I wanted to have it now. I could pick up a random basic bitch at the bar and sleep with her. I could probably fuck one of the many  women that have tried to get my attention recently. I just don’t want them. And not all of these chicks that hit on me are unattractive… They just don’t meet my looks standards. But, I could STILL probably fuck them. I am a whore. I don’t have much discretion in picking a sexual partner. LOL! I have had some “mistakes” in one night stands in my day! But, I just think I was more FREE then…

So, why am I not free now?

Why don’t I want one of my many possible admirers?

Am I still chasing after the unavailable?

Am I afraid of sex again?

Am I running away from it? And using loneliness as a my safety net and cover?

Or do I just want more now?

Maybe I wanting more than a causal sexual encounter now?

Maybe I have been living in a delusional state of haze now and NOT seeing that I am truly just searching for “more”?

I think that might be the case now…. Having 2 years of utter loneliness. Never feeling the touch of someone. Like I have said before, I thought it was THEM that caused my 2 years of despair. I assumed that people did not want me. But, it was me not wanting me. I totally isolated myself from love and sex. Coming out of those 2 years… And now back in a 3 month drought…. I am frustrated beyond belief because I don’t want to go  2 years without sex again BUT I just can’t bring myself to fuck a random hoe. I just can’t do it. I can’t make myself just jump…. Get out there…. And end this madness. Because I am truly searching for more in life now. And maybe this is me growing up? Maybe this me learning that causal sex with randoms isn’t always the way to go and that causal sex never really filled my soul?

Like I said before… Women have hit on me recently and some of them are seemingly attractive to the outside world.  I just turned them down because they were not good enough for me and I just wasn’t attracted to them. But, if I JUST wanted sex. I could have took them up on their dates. Fucked them. And walked away “satisfied.” But, I didn’t. So, something is wrong with me! LOL!

I just think I want someone that is not only outwardly beautiful but I truly feel something for now. Someone that gives me butterflies and makes me a bit weak. Someone that I want. Crave. Need. Someone that I connect with now. I want to enjoy the persons company AND have great sex. I want to feel that this person actually wants me. Craves me. And we just get along….

I had a sex dream last night about New Chick. My sex dreams lately often alternate between her and just random bodies.  And the sex  with New Chick was AMAZING. Made me feel a little scared again that I just wouldn’t measure up which is why I have been thinking about taking sex techniques classes for real.  With my background I will forever be concerned about being “good enough” sexually!  My ex used to say… “You always try so hard in the bedroom. Why can’t you try this hard in our relationship?” LOL! That is true. I am set on trying to make my partner feel good in the bedroom even at the expense of my own sexual desires. I guess… I won’t feel good about myself and/or the sex experience unless my partner is having an orgasm and completely enjoying themselves which may include not fucking me.

So, with my sex dream last night… I even got off from only clitoral stimulation which NEVER happens for me.  After our crazy sex night,  I asked New Chick to spend the weekend with me since my roommates were out of town. And we laid around naked the entire time. Only putting on clothes to run out and get food. Watched movies. Fucked. Laughed. And had a good time. It was simple. Nice. And real. It was away from all the bullshit. And I guess that’s what I am looking for now…..

I am looking to get away from the bullshit. Wanting to leave meaningless sex behind me. And form a connection with someone. I am not asking for a girlfriend. I am not asking to wife up. But, I do want more. To have more. To see more. And to enjoy someone for who they are in that moment. I want the moments we share to be AMAZING. And sweet. And uncomplicated. And no drama. And…. after our moments…. they can go on their way. We can chat. Call each other any time. And We can meet up again to repeat the same beautiful yet simple experience. I just want something with no pressure and no commitment or “relationship” time clock looming over our heads. I guess pressure and intimacy have been keeping me from sex. I can’t handle being judged right now. I am still pretty fragile after my 3 1/2 year situation… So, I want something easy and something that just comes together and works. And we can take it for what it is… Just two people enjoying each other.

Besides pressure, I think my need to date someone is keeping me from sex because I don’t just want anyone. I can have ANYONE! I want someone that wants me. I want someone that I connect with, bond with, and can just relax with at all times.  PLUS, I want a hot bitch. I refuse to date someone that is busted. I want someone attractive. I want someone that makes me wet. I want someone that is HOT! I can’t be playing with these basic lesbian hoes. I want someone with passion and fire. Maybe I am too picky? Maybe me being picky is a defense mechanism? But, is it really? I don’t think I am demanding much here…… I just want an attractive bitch, that likes to fuck, thats cool, not drama, fun, and I form a connection with… And  she is cool with keeping it simple. But, when we are together it’s special. It’s like a little bubble in time. Feel me? When we are out together or in bed together… It’s just us. And when our time is over… We go back to “life.”

Like I had said before, I don’t know if I can agree with monogamy BUT I don’t want to see the other dirty little deeds either! It’s like when you pay hooker for the “girlfriend” experience. That’s what I want for a moment when I am out with a lover! The “Girlfriend Experience.” We connect. We Bond. And then we go on and enjoy life and other experiences with other people. I had this with one partner in my past and I want this blissful situation again!

In conclusion, I just don’t think I can have meaningless sex anymore. And maybe I am just the product of my own frustrations. I am making myself frustrated by not seeing that I am just holding myself back by looking for and wanting more now. But, I see it now. I know what I want.  I want more. And I guess my frustrated ass will stay frustrated until I get what I want!

New Lesson:  I need to learn the art of waiting now.  But, when is it TOO LONG to wait for what I want?!?! When should I just give up, move on from my dreams,  and just fuck a random bitch?!?! ……And I am FRUSTRATED again. HA!

Now after writing this blog… I think I am going to change the title to “Frustrated.”

Shout out to NymphoBrainiac – Suggested Straps!

Addendum to Lesbian Dating Tips: How to be Butch.

A fellow attractive Blogging Buddy of mine just wrote a blog about strapping it on,  great straps to use, different types of straps, etc. Since I am always talking about “fucking a bitch” and/or “getting fucked” and/or “how to be butch” …. I thought I would  give my blogging buddy a shout out now!

Here is the link to her blog below…….

http://nymphobrainiac.wordpress.com/2012/05/01/wet-wednesday-time-to-strap-one-on/#comment-727

It’s GREAT! And she gave some great tips and promoted some cool straps that I have never used before! This is exciting….

Granted, I am still really into the Rodeo Strap on… http://www.rodeoh.com/shop.html

I still haven’t used it yet. I still have bought it yet. Since my pussy is drying up like the Sahara desert, I have no reason to rush out and buy any sex toys right now. So, My Rodeo will just be a dream for me at this moment.

I mean… The Rodeo just seems like it would comfortable and chill. Because its fabric and not some hard leather belt constantly falling off and the metal little  studs aren’t HITTING you and your partner all the time. You won’t get bruised up from The Rodeo. This melts my horny heart….  And I find the boyish strap kinda sexy. I think it would look HOT on me. I look great in a pair of boyish panties… Trust me. Honestly, I am not really into boyish things but The Rodeo turns me on. Just thinking about a hot chick fucking me with it…. TOTALLY HOT! The only issue I think with the Rodeo Strap would be the SIZE! You have to have it fit perfectly on you OR it would be a mess and falling off like the other leather belts. You also can’t gain or lose weight.. And that shit will again fall off of you!  Plus,  Rodeos wouldn’t be one size fits all… Most of my partners are smaller than me therefore we couldn’t share the strap. She would have to have her own and/or we will just use the dildo.  OR… We might have to use one of Nymphobrainiacs suggested straps!  Also, Rodeos don’t come with the dick. So, I would have to buy a dick separately which would also be annoying… Finding the right dick is TOUGH!

For instance…

I am TIGHT and my G-Spot is up and over…. I also don’t like things that are WIDE. I like long and thin. Girth HURTS me!! If you want me to be in pain… Give me a WIDE and BIG dick. I hate that shit. Most women love big dicks. I like small dicks. I like small and thin. I like pencil dicks. Pencil dicks get me off….Because I like the sensation of being fucked but not actually being fucked. Let me explain… I like friction over penetration… You fuck me too hard. I will dry up super quick and you ain’t getting shit. I  will probably just turn around and strap it on and fuck my partner just to get wet again.  This is why I love fingering so much. Fingers are the key to my soul. Fingers are like pencils. Fingers can still fuck you but they don’t go as hard or deep as a dick. Deep penetration hurts me! I can take it. Have done it. But, don’t like it.  I love pencils dicks!  I hate actual pencils but I love them in the bedroom!

So, this is where I need your help Blog Readers. I need some suggestions of good pencil dicks/dildos. Something that can hit my G Spot. Nothing too damn big. I don’t like to be in pain as a bitch is fucking me. I want to be able to enjoy it! So, find me a small dick, a chick,  and let’s call it a day!

Lesbian Dating Tips: How To Be Butch

Hey Blog Readers…

Lately, I have been getting hit on my little “butch” girls and it’s quite annoying… These “Wanna-be” TOP bitches trying to run some bad game on me. Now, all of you know that I HATE  fake butch women.  Fake Butch women are lesbians that became “butch” to get women but they are really bottom bitches! Because as a  real femme top that loses hoes to fake butch women,  it REALLY pisses me off!!! So, when the fake butches step to me it’s even more annoying because I have been a TOP and I am WAY more butch than them but because I like to wear dresses and shirts they think they can run game! Honestly, I have been running shit in my relationships and coming home to the little wife that’s cooking and cleaning for me. I have strapped it on. Fucked a Bitch. Spanked  a Bitch. Worked that shit out. I have been the “tough” one in a relationship. I have also been a bottom passive bitch. That gets fucked every night. Cries in her sleep. Begging for her to “hold me.” So, I have been on both EXTREMES. So, when some twink bitch steps to me running some weak shit… I want to first SMACK the shit out of her and then laugh in her face.

And you know what…..

I am sick. I am sick of weak ass bitches. I am sick of weak butch women. I am sick of the fake shit. You wanna act like a man. You want to be a man. BE A FUCKING MAN! Grow some balls. Stop playing around here. So, I am going to take a page from one of my Curse situations (see  this blog reference.. http://jlrransom.wordpress.com/2012/04/26/the-curse/) and tell all of you weak wanna be butch lesbians how to ACTUALLY be butch. And yes… A “femme” knows what it means to be a butch. Don’t discount my shit! I can top all you fucking pathetic hoes in a heartbeat!

Let’s get this shit started…..

Lessons in being butch

1. Dress like a man. That’s right. The secret to being butch is looking a mess. You have to look like a typical straight dude and I am NOT talking the gay meterosexual ones. I am talking about the ones that work in a factory and that haven’t washed their  jeans for weeks. You need to throw out that iron. Roll around in some dirt. Pretend you can fix things. Never go to the spa or do your nails. AND don’t MATCH! Femmes match. Femmes actually put together an outfit. You as a butch.. Should NEVER have an “outfit.” You need to look like you just rolled out of bed at all times. Like you just picked shit up off your dirty floor and jumped in some clothes. You need to look homeless. That’s it! Look like a homeless piece of shit! That’s how you dress like a butch! OH.. And if you were ACTUALLY homeless that would be FANTASTIC! Femmes don’t like rich bitches. Rich butch women aren’t REAL butch. They like go to spas and shit! NO! REAL butch women are POOR. And let their little femme take care them (i.e. cook, clean, and cater to your needs). You should also NOT work out. Working out is for gay men. You need to be out of shape, fat, and just more to love. REAL butch women don’t do gyms. Gyms are for fags!

2. 3rd Grader Hair Cuts. You need to sneak into an elementary school like a child molester with a pair of scissors. And, NO…  you will not be stabbing the children with these scissors. BUT, you will be asking them to cut your hair. That’s right!  You need to have jacked up hair to go with your homeless look. You need to wear like a blue jean vest with no shirt underneath it, dirty oversized stonewashed jeans, a 3rd grader hair cut, hiking boots with tub socks, no bra, AND NEVER shave!!! Let the hair under your arms just go wild. Wild and FREE! Shaving is for weak bitches!

3. Swag. Now, That you look the part of a butch bitch. You need swag. If you don’t have swag you are OUT the game. You will never get a femme being a passive nice bitch. You want a hot femme. You have to be mean. You have to be cool. You have to be confident. You have to be chill. You have to have swag. Swag is just coolness points. You never press a bitch. You never care for a bitch. You walk with a limp. You walk like you hurt your leg “during the war!” You even TELL bitches …”I hurt my leg during the war!” They will ask “which war!??!” It doesn’t matter which one… All of them! Whatever. Stroll around with your gimp leg with PRIDE. War = REAL BUTCH!  And never SWEAT a bitch. Oh… you can sweat like after playing like dodgeball or after you steal some cars or something. But, you don’t PRESS a chick. Let the hoe come to you. Hoes always come to butch women. Why? Because they are hoes. Hoes don’t know any better. Hoes are a waste of time. You are a BUTCH. Butches mean something! Femmes ain’t shit! Be a man. Handle your business and DONT SWEAT!!!!

4. Don’t Smile EVER. That’s right. REAL butch women don’t smile. Why? Because smiling if for queeny bitches. Smiling is for happy hoes. You ain’t no happy hoe! You are a BUTCH! You are MAN! Smiling is for bitches with TEETH! You don’t have TEETH. Happy Femme bitches have teeth! Don’t you smile bitch!

5. Don’t Dance EVER. Again…. Dancing is for gay man. Are you a gay man?!?!?! No. You are a strong. You are tough. You are a REAL man. You don’t prance around. You don’t dance. You lay back. You hold up the wall. You are a BUTCH! Drink your beer and stand on the floor like a man. Arms out wide just knocking bitches over with your manly swag. That’s what you do. Fuck dancing. Fuck the fags. Real butch women don’t prance around…. #justsayin!

6. And in fact…. You shouldn’t even Speak. Don’t Speak. NEVER SPEAK to a bitch. Words are for bitches! Femmes  like words. Femmes are always “talking” “talking” and “talking” BLA! …Think of Sex And the City. Well, as a REAL butch you shouldn’t even know about Sex and the City but if some of you fake butch hoes know about this show…. You know that all these SATC bitches did was TALK! Look at The L Word… More TALKING FEMME BITCHES! WTF?!?!?! TALK. TALK. TALK. Talking is not needed. It’s unnecessary. Talking is pointless for a relationship. All you need to do is grunt. Just grunt at a bitch.

Example Conversation….

Femme Hoe: Baby, I love you!

REAL Butch: <grunt>

Femme Hoe: Does that mean you love me too?

REAL Butch: <grunt>

Femme Hoe: OH YES!!!! You love me too! Now, Can I suck your cock?

Real Butch: <grunt>

And  Femme Hoe starts sucking.. Because all femmes are HOES!

That’s how it should go! You don’t need to talk to a hoe. A hoe will figure it all out. She will just make up shit in her head. Femme bitches are all stuck in their heads. Playing games. Being stupid. Thinking  and shit. You don’t need that shit.  You don’t even need to speak. You don’t need to think.  Let her ass speak for you! Just grunt!

6. Always TOP in the bedroom. To be a real butch… You need to be the man. You can’t be laying back. You can’t be getting YOURS! NO! You need to fuck that bitch. Fuck her hard. You don’t give that hoe oral sex. NO! Oral sex is what weak men to do bitches. You wear your strap with PRIDE. You fuck the shit out of her WITH pride. In fact, you never take that strap off… You wear it all day and every day. You never wash that shit like your jeans. And you fuck your bitch over and over again from behind. Like a Dog. And don’t let her touch you. Don’t let her touch your clit. Why?! Because you don’t have a clit. In fact, you don’t even get wet. You are a butch. Butches NEVER get wet. Butches are TOPS at all time. Push that fucking femme down and fuck her. That’s it and That’s all. Don’t you EVER go down on her stank pussy. AND don’t you EVER let her go down on you!! HELL NO! She can only suck you hard cock. Your hard sweaty strap! And then you fuck her in her ass, her mouth, her ear, every fucking where. But, don’t you EVER let her fuck you… If a femme fucks you…. You are no longer a butch. You a bottom pathetic bitch! You will LOSE your butch card and you will fail my class!

7. And finally the last rule…. Players Play on. As a butch, you can never have just one bitch. You never just have one main piece sucking your shit. You need like 10 other bitches on your dick. You must have a harem of ladies at your beck and call. Because you don’t sweat bitches. You just fuck them. You don’t like them. You don’t care about them. You fuck them and leave them. That’s a true butch. You fuck a bitch and move on. Real butch women don’t fall in love. Real butch women don’t care. Real butch women are like men. SUPER men. Better than men. So, you take care of your women. Yeah, you buy her stupid flowers and shit, you might even give her a  50 dollar gift card to Target or something equally as nice.  And make sure you buy shit with HER money. Because you don’t work. Working is for WEAK butch women. You let ALL femmes take care of you (i.e. feeding you and shit!)! BUT,  you  do have to somewhat take care of your hoes and buy her shit (again with her money). Because You don’t want to seem like a lazy butch and then you end up getting your hoes STOLEN from you by some happy SMILING rich stud with teeth. NO! You have to take care of them. But, you don’t love them. Got it? Take care of bitches. But, don’t love them! And don’t have just one. Keep it simple. Keep it chill. Grunt. But, never get serious.

So, that’s it Blog readers…. That’s my lessons for butch women!  Honestly, if a REAL butch woman like in this blog hit on me… Maybe I just might switch teams and stop fucking femmes and go for some poor homeless TOP lady love! But, I haven’t met a real butch yet… So, A girl can only dream here!

Until next time…..

Top 8 Reasons Why Everyone Should be in a Relationship!

Every blog I am always knocking relationships and love and for the first time last night I felt the “need” aka “the urge” to cuddle, feel loved, and just truly be with someone else. I wanted to just relax with a chick without all the drama, bullshit, and masks. I wanted a true and honest moment with someone. I haven’t longed for that type of connection in a long time. Maybe I am going soft now?!

Anyway, I thought because I was craving a deeper connection with someone it was time for me expose this side in my blog and write the “Top 8 Reasons Why Everyone Should be in a Relationship.” So, here I go.. Showing my softer side to you Blog Readers.

My Top 8 Reasons why people should get into relationships…..

1. Connection. As your resident party girl, I have a lot of party friends, fake connections, frivolous interactions with women. I never get to actually be myself. We always just stop when the party ends. Folks never see me  without my makeup and done up to go out. I never get to  be relaxed and open with the world with a love interest. So, when I was in love and when I had relationships in the past… It just felt good to truly connect with someone. To Bond with Someone. To not have to fill the empty silences. You can just sit and watch tv and be at peace here. I miss that peace. I miss that true connection. I miss not having to SAY everything. I miss being real with someone.

2. Regular Sex. As a single girl, you never know when you are going to get laid next unless you are a true player. I am not a player. I am a soft bitch. I get my heart stepped on time and time again. And getting laid for me lately has been a true uphill battle. So, knowing I have someone always open and ready to fuck me would be EXCITING!! I wouldn’t have to worry about rejection at every turn…. I would love regular sex. Now, I know from experience that “sex” doesn’t happen all the time in all relationships but for that brief moment in the beginning when you are basking in the glow of young love… You are fucking every day. And it’s nice. It’s sweet. It’s on a regular basis.

3. Love. Love is fantastic. Scary but fantastic. Love gives me inspiration. Love helps me write. Love is the fuel to my creativity. And to feel loved… It’s a feeling you can’t describe. It’s beyond your understanding. It isn’t complex. It isn’t crazy. It’s simple perfection. You feel whole. You feel human. You feel complete. Being in love (when its a healthy and true love)… can be a life changing experience. And I miss that longing to be with someone. I miss that need to care about someone. I miss just that feeling of love……

4. Dependability. You have someone there for you. Someone that always has your back. Someone in your corner. Someone that loves you unconditionally. Someone that will support you. You don’t have to worry about games or drama or being alone. This person loves you. Is there for you. Supports you. Enjoys you for who you are. And you can finally depend on someone to be there. Someone that won’t let you down. Yes, people make mistakes. People might not always be there for you all the time. But, someone that loves you will always TRY to be there for you. And if they can’t… They will make it up to you.

5. Built-In Friend. I miss this part the most. I miss someone that will do all the crazy shit with me. I miss someone that would try to enjoy the little things I enjoy. Someone that would bask in my techie side. Embrace my creative energy. And enjoy just chilling with me. I miss my buddy. I miss having a partner. I miss calling someone on whim just to window shop. I miss making my ex lovers go to Carrie Underwood concerts or check out some filmmakers panel discussion!  I miss those nights I just wanted to stay in and watch a movie… She would rush over to me with a bowl of popcorn and want to join me. I miss having a true BFF. Someone I could call in the middle of the night just to bitch about the world. Someone that would wait up for me. Someone that would take care of me when I was sick and worry about me.  Someone that would just want to be with me all the time.  Someone that KNOWS me. Gets Me. And Still LOVES  me! A true BFF in life.

6. Happiness. Single life is hard. Single life is cold. Single life is constant rejection. I miss just being happy. And not having the looming thought of rejection haunting me in my dreams. I miss feeling free with someone else. I didn’t have to worry that “if I said this or that or didn’t do this or that”  that they would leave me. It doesn’t make me happy to get rejected at every turn. It doesn’t make me happy to worry about rejection and to over-analyze every conservation, interaction, text, tweet, and FB message with a chick. And yes, I do over-analyze everything! It’s in my DNA. I stress and worry internally about every little thing when I am dating someone new…. I may be “take it or leave it” because I don’t alter my personality with people but I still worry about rejection. Because I don’t want to say the wrong thing, act the wrong way, and just push them away. So, Yeah…. it would be good to have that comfortable,  complete, rejection-free happiness again.

7. Safe. When you are in love… And not just “dating” anymore… You feel safe. You know that you have your “Built In Buddy”.. you know they are “Dependable” and you know you can be Comfortable with them…. So, you can finally feel safe. The butterflies are starting to fade. Butterflies turning into something true. Butterflies finding you that perfect safe space. I miss feeling safe in someone’s arms. I miss just knowing that being ME with someone else was ok and no other tricks, gimmicks, and jokes were needed now.

8. And finally, Just having a Partner in Life. This HUGE! Life is mean and cold. Having someone to walk with you and that’s not related to you and/or forced to be there. Having someone PICK you. Having someone pick to share their journey of life with you. Is HUGE! Is an Honor! Is truly profound. I miss having someone care for me. Nobody cares about me now. Having a life partner helps keep your memory around. Having someone that loves you unconditionally will help keep your spirit alive. As a single person that has had her share of heartbreaks, breakups, and just nasty situations….. You know that the memories you share with person just fade into nothing over time but love, true love, never dies. And maybe your partner will go on after you leave this earth to find another love. But, the love you shared with your partner will still linger on now and your children (if you decide to have them) will be a product of your soul and spirit. Now,  God is always your partner in life. But, having another human being just walking with you, standing with you, enjoying you. Making you feel safe. Sharing in your realness. Not being afraid of your flaws. Not being afraid of who you really are…. Can’t be beat.

I love my single life. I love my freedom. But, I just miss those moments. Those moments of greatness. Those moments that changed my life. My life hasn’t been changed now. Each day passes. Each minutes keeps turning…. And I am still the same. Still here. Still confused. Still not complete. Still dealing with rejection. Still not getting laid. I am not ready for love now. I am not ready for a partner in life. Because when I make my next TRUE partnership. I want to be ready. I want to be financially ready to have a wife. I don’t want money to be an issue with us. My parents argued over money. My family divorced over money. So, I want to be prepared this time. I want enough money to support my partner and children. I want to have a BIG wedding. I want a real union. I just don’t want to be girlfriends with a piece a paper. I want to start a family. I want everything to be real and true. So, this is why I don’t want to get married now. I don’t have the cash to fund a union. I am not emotionally or mentally ready to deal with a union. And I am just not whole now. I am not existing as my complete self now. So, I just can’t enjoy relationships. I can’t bask in that type of connection now. But, I understand why others want it… It’s just not for me now. Granted, I miss it. I miss just feeling safe with someone. I miss that REAL connection. I miss just being ME in the presence of someone else.

I just hope one day I can find that true balance between a relationship and my single lonely life now. I had it in the past… I want it again now. I am not ready to truly give my heart away again but I am ready to feel something again. I am ready to connect even on a small way with someone. I ready to just “be” with someone again. I am over rejection lingering at my door. I am over walking alone. I am not able to have that Life Partner yet…. But, can’t I just find some inner peace and nice middle ground between loneliness and commitment?!

Book Chapter: Lonely Girl.

Hey Blog Readers….

So, I am going to jump ahead a few chapters today in my life story to talk about an OLD ex of mine. I was gossiping with one of my BFFs yesterday over the phone and she reminded me about one of my “Ghosts of Girlfriends Past” situation. A dating situation I rarely discuss and usually just try to get forget now. In this situation, I was not my typical heartbroken little lost puppy dog self that all you blog readers have come to love BUT I was the asshole. The Bitch. And just a mean fucking selfish cunt.

Therefore, I am going to tell you this story now with a Disclaimer…. When I like a chick I am ALL in and I am quick to give my heart away.  BUT…  in the past  if I didn’t like a bitch I would be a real cunt and use them to get what I want meaning like companionship, revenge,  sex, whatever. This is the story of me using someone for companionship and revenge (wanting someone to feel pain over me for once because I was hurt by so many other lovers in the past). And This is about me using someone to get where I needed to go in life.

Here we go….

Before moving to NYC… I was a Go-Go Dancer and Player (we will go back to the Go-Go Dancing years later in future blogs….) And I had a STRING of women and dating situations. I had some good dating and sex stories BUT I also got my heartbroken a few times. Granted, I was ready to leave Michigan. Ready to move to New York. And I was ready to be in a relationship and stop all my bullshit.

I moved to NYC in 2004. I didn’t know a SINGLE person in the concrete jungle. And my first job was a night shift gig in Long Island i.e. Suffolk County. So, I was FAR from Manhattan. A good 2 hour train ride or drive depending on the traffic. The only people I knew in the entire state of NY were my coworkers. I didn’t know a gay soul. And if you know Suffolk County, its REAL conservative there! And not a good place for a black lesbian…  So, I felt lonely and trapped, and that’s when I started working with Lonely Girl. She was Lonely like me. Sad. Wanting to move to the city. Didn’t have many friends. She had never dated anyone. Always the bridesmaid but never the bride. She had never been with a woman. But, she had only dated one man before. So, we met. We bonded in our LOVE of Manhattan and wanting to leave this night shift job. We became fast friends. I wasn’t all that attracted to her. But, I liked having a friend. And I wanted company. And of course I wanted sex.

So, one night I kissed her. And it was pretty good. She seemed to enjoy it. And that’s where our love relationship began. We worked together for six more months… Just being secret lovers and then she got a job in the city. I Was SOOO happy for her and for myself because this meant I had a place to stay in the city. And I totally used that shit. I would stay the weekends with her… shopping, partying, meeting new people, and joining groups. I basically slowly started to create my own life outside of her but I always had her place and “love” as a backup.

After another six months… We have been dating a year now. The “I Love Yous” had come and gone. She was head over heels for me. I was still on the fence about this situation. I knew she was NOT the one. I knew that once I got a place in the city…. I would want to “Explore” and get new pussy. She deep down inside knew that shit about me. She would joke with me… “oh once you get a job in the city you will leave me!” I didn’t respond. FINALLY…. I did get a job in the city and I packed my shit in my little jeep and moved to Brooklyn. I was so happy! I was ready to be free.

We tried dating for a few more months while I was in Brooklyn. But, I was already starting to get shady by keeping my flirtations with other women on the D.L. from Lonely Girl. I was “talking” with other girls. Hitting the lesbian spots hard. And then I met Ex Dominatrix and fucked her on the first date (well she fucked me….)…. So, it was time to break up with Lonely Girl.

So, I called her one day…….

Me: Hey, Lonely Girl…. We need to have a talk.

Lonely Girl: What is it?

Me: Um…. I am just not happy right now. So, I need some space. Space for a REALLY long time.

Lonely Girl: What does that mean?

Me: I just need some space for a LONG while.

Lonely Girl: So, are we breaking up???

Me: I don’t know… I just need time to myself now. (this was bullshit… like I said… bitches never need fucking ME time. I didn’t need ME time. I just wanted out of that relationship!)

Lonely Girl sobs.

I hang up the phone.

Now, I was an asshole in this ending… I should have COMPLETELY  broke it off. I should have said YES WE ARE BREAKING UP. But, I didn’t. Why? I was a coward and I was still somewhat scared to be out on my own in NYC. She was the FIRST person that I met in this damn city. I was scared to lose that connection and truly be on my own.

Here is where the drama starts…..

Because I didn’t properly break up with my girlfriend over a YEAR… She kinda went PSYCHO like crazy psycho on me.

Here are some of the things she did….

1. She would show up at my work and start yelling at me in the hallways and at my desk in front my coworkers. She somehow managed to get into my office building and past security which I still don’t understand how this happened today.

2. Because I wouldn’t personally call or email her back after our last “space” conversation… She started calling my job and just hanging up. Or calling and sobbing on the other end of the line. Or just calling my desk and screaming at me. I had to go to HR and beg them to figure out a way to block her from calling me at work. I also had to change my cellphone number.

3. She started leaving notes on my car. Saying how much she missed me, loved me, wanted me back. She even threatened to “Bust My Windows”

4. She would mail these hate letters and love letters to my house every day. And send treats and gifts like my favorite DVDs,  concert tickets, and shit. I would throw out the letters and keep the treats. I was an EVIL bitch.

5. She would call my friends and BEG them to talk to me for her. She would harass them and ask them to “pass along a message” to me. She would write CRAZY emails to my friends begging for them to set up some type of meeting between us.

6. FINALLY, she broke into my place one night. Sat on my bed for hours. I was out with Ex Dominatrix at the time. So, I didn’t get home until the next day…. But, my roommates caught her sleeping on my bed when I was not there when they left for work in the morning.

After all of these things and her “Break-In” …..I knew what I had to do. I had to PUBLICLY shame her and I didn’t want to do it because I already hurt her so much but I had to do it!  So, I had another blog at the time….. And she used to read it. So, I didn’t give her a nickname this time and I BLASTED on my blog that I was calling the cops on her the next time she contacts me or breaks into my apartment. She got the message and never contacted me again.

So, why did I tell you this story? I guess it’s just something I don’t really talk about or try to think about now. But, it’s a story that needs to be told. It’s a story that led me to Ex Dominatrix.  Karma truly attacked me with that chick (ex dominatrix). I was the crazy one. Running around the city. Fighting in the streets. Begging for her to take me back. The shoe was on the other foot. So, yeah… I get what I did to Lonely Girl now! I was wrong. I was selfish. I was looking to hurt and to get where I wanted to go  i.e. Manhattan. I was lonely and using her for companionship! I was an ass.

And I have grown since that situation. I have broke a few more hearts along the way (which I’ll get into in other blogs). But, I have also had  my heart stepped on many times and I am WAY more careful about how I treat people now…. I try to be upfront and honest and just real with people. I don’t hide behind the mask of my own insecurities anymore or use people for things that I lack in my own life now. I am a “take it or leave it” type person now and Lonely Girl helped me in this journey. She single-handedly got me established in New York. I still feel bad for that ending and saying ….”I need Space. Space for a REALLY long time!” That was cruel and just out of control. But, that’s what I did. Can’t take it back now. I just have to more forward from here.

Until next time Bitches…..